Hey there!
 
My friends tell me I am QUITE the catch.  I am super needy and will base my every happiness on you.  I am unbelievably fantastic in bed... and thousands of men know it.   I will be the best girlfriend ever, but that is only if you spend a LOT of money on me.  BTW, any men that make less than 250K need not apply.

I  have always had a problem with loyalty, but I only cheated on my last boyfriend twice.  Truth is, I will cheat on you and lie to your face, but I will love you to death while I do all of it.  

I expect for you to commit to me within the first five or so dates.  I am not very patient and don't have time for men who won't commit quickly.  Within a year, I will expect a ring but only if it's at least a ½ karat bigger than my bestest girlfriend's ring.  

My match must live in Newport or some other beach community with a VERY high standard of living.  My plan is to move in as soon as I trick you (or at least SOME OTHER guy) into knocking me up.  Your home must be expensive enough for me to host fine parties and also for my fat ass sisters to move into.  It also must be big enough so I can start furnishing your bathroom with "stuff" (but only tampons, feminine douche, and other miscellaneous items)  as soon as possible.

While you are out spending the day hard at work, I will be off getting a massage, manicure, or going through the very difficult process of botox.  When you get home from work, I will never leave you alone or try understand your hard day.  Instead, I will nag you incessantly and then yell and criticize you for not listening to me.   

And yes, you will get to have hobbies and friends, but mainly only mine. I don't think it's appropriate that you have your own life or interests, and you are definitely not allowed to go anywhere without me.  But you will have a GREAT life. Your weekends will be filled with the immeasurable joy of getting to do every single thing I like to do.  These things include (but are not limited too), taking me to Louis Vuitton, Tiffany's, and spending a rainy day together curled up together watching our endless Sex and the City DVD collection.  

I like to look hot, maybe for you,  but mostly for other dudes or any other bitches I encounter in my many many many nights out without you.

I will be a complete bitch to you.  I will be hysterical, erratic, and completely irrational. I will never ever understand your position on things. I am incapable of understanding  logic and don't know what independent means. However, I am very very familiar with the term codependent.  I am super psycho needy, but give you nothing more that what's between my legs in return.   That does remind  me.....I am also a complete slut.  In addition, I am jealous, controlling, and a complete drama queen.

Now you may THINK you don't want a girl like me, but you REALLY do, don'tcha???

I am here!  Cum and get it!!!

This Booty Call Agreement (hereinafter referred to as the Agreement) is entered into on the _____ day of __________, 2009, by _______________, between _____________ and ___________.

THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:

1. No sleeping over--unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.
3. No calls before 9 PM--we don't have shit to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" shit --only mind-blowing sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions--Examples: Where are we heading with this? Do you love me? The answer is no, so don't ask.
6. No plans made in advance--that is why you are called the "back-up," unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time, advanced-arrangement.
7. All gifts accepted--money is always good.
8. No baby talk--however, dirty talk is encouraged.
9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers--it's really none of your damn business.
10. No calling each other "friends with privileges"--we are not friends, just sex buddies.
11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK--don't be offended.
12. No extra clothing--I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.
13. No falling asleep right after sex--it's over, so get your ass up and go home.
14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it--I don't care.
15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."
17. Doggie style preferred--just hit it hard and right or get the hell out.
18. Reason for doggie style: the less eye contact the better. I don't want to look at you, just fuck you.
19. We hook up absolutely whenever the mood strikes ME--so don't keep calling.

*** EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS***

The aforementioned rules may be altered by the holder of the agreement.
If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list, BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.

Participating partners:
Signature: ______________________
Date: ______________________

I know I have made fun of people from Craigslist before.  There are good catches out there (Shout out to Annik)

But many are sad, pathetic losers.  Who cannot even get laid in a whore house because they're too cheap to even pay for a real dating site.
Take Perseus for example.  This guy is looking for a cute and petit Asian girl who is into "cosplay, role-playing, anime and manga"

View The Ad From Persues

Almost every male and every carpet muncher has gone down on a girl.
Oh I'm sorry, to be politically correct, carpet muncher should be Lesbian.

Picture the scene…
You and your vaginal date have eaten a wonderful dinner, downed some wine and now she is back at your place.
You make some moves and magically she appears in your bedroom, naked.

You're both lying on the bed kissing passionately.  You slowly move down her body, kissing and caressing her breasts and finally you reach her inner thighs.  You prepare yourself to devour her and show her why she dated you.
Your lips lock with her "lips" and suddenly you notice the most vile odor the likes of which you have not smelled since,…well nothing has smelled this bad,…
You start to cough and barf almost reaches your lips.
What should you do?

Since she is at your place you cannot run, so you're pretty much phucked!
This leaves one of two possible solutions:

Option A
Pretend to only tease the vaginal area and move onto another area like her legs, behind her knees etc.
After 10 minutes of doing this you can tell her you do not feel well and go to the bathroom.
This will result in saving her feelings and she will hopefully leave pretty soon, especially if you tell her you have diarrhea from the dinner you ate!

Option B
Stop immediately and tell her that her vagina smells like rotting sushi and ask her when she last showered.
This will result in complete shock in her face and a prompt slapping of your face.  She will dress rapidly while crying and get the hell out of your place as soon as possible.
After years of therapy she will be back in the dating pool and someone else's problem.

Option A or B will depend on how much of a bastard you are.  The choice is yours…

Coming next week on That's Phucked.  The causes and remedies of Vaginal Odor.
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Over the weekend I decided to have some fun with Craig’s list (CL) craigslist.org

I’m sure many of the frequent readers of this site have visited Craig’s list and know the personals section to be as seedy as a massage parlor in Thailand.  For those CL virgins, let me elaborate.

In the personals section we have the following categories:

1. Strictly Platonic (Very few entries in here)
2. Women seeking women (Big smile)
3. Women seeking men
4. Men seeking women
5. Men seeking men (uuuuh, yeah)
6. Misc romance
7. Casual encounters
8. Missed connections
9. Rants and raves

For categories 2-5 there is a very high percentage of ads from either escorts (hookers), massage parlors who provide special massages and idiots trying to make some commission by pushing sites like adultfriendfinder.com

I decided to post an ad under categories 4 and 7.  My ad read as follows:

Drinks tonight?
My date cancelled on me so is anyone up for meeting for a few drinks?  Let’s see if we have any chemistry…
About me:
28 y/o
6’ 2”
Good build
Dark hair and Blue eyes

So what responses did I receive?

• There were 6 responses from idiots pushing some sex sites. 
• One response from a fat “ethnic” woman who was available after midnight. No amount of drinks would make me meet up with her!
• One response from a guy who stated that he and his girlfriend would like to meet me and gave me his phone number.  Now this one sounded like a good story…

I decided to call this guy to see what the deal was.  The call went like this...

He and I small talked for a few minutes discussing where I was from, what I like to do and my favorite drinks.  He invites me over to his place for some drinks with him and his girl.  He says he has lots of wine and vodka so it should be a good time.
I ask him what he has in mind.
He says my girl really likes to get gangbanged and double teamed.   Double teaming of course is when both men are phucking the girl at the same time.
Apparently she really likes to get double teamed.  He proceeded to give me directions to his place and when the call came to an end I hung up and burst out laughing.

I've always wondered about the dynamics of double teaming.  One guy is in the vagina, the other the ass.  Do their balls touch?  I should think so, not so cool!
Then I thought of other possibilities that could be far worse!
What if this guy used this ploy to get guys to come over to man rape them?  He could be some big burly guy who might try to man rape my ass?
I would knock at the door, the door would open and I would be pulled inside ahh , the agony!

So what did I do?  I decided to play Halo 3 on Xbox 360 and keep my asshole safe.

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Looking to get lucky on a first date?  Go online...

The survey, published in the US journal Sexuality Research and Social Policy, finds that one third of women who meet someone online have sex on the first date, and three quarters of these do not use a condom.

This is probably due to the fact that many online daters chat online or on the phone before meeting.  This adds a certain level of familiarity during the first date and when mixed with alcohol, well off to the motel we go!

But beware; you might not want to have sex with many of the women online.  Why are eHarmony girls ugly?

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OK, I will admit it.  I do some online dating.  Why do I do it you might ask?
Is it because I'm a sad loser?
I have no game?
Hookers cost too much?

I figure the more sources the better!

Herein lies the problem.  With increased sources of new dates comes increased risk.
What's the risk?  Ugly women!

How ugly are these women online?
Most would not look out of place on a farm with a machine attached to their nipples sucking milk out of them.

I wish I could attach some pictures because many of them are truly hideous.  I'm sure they have good personalities, but who really cares!
Here are some examples of the kinds of girls I have been matched with:

• Fat girl eating a burger
• Girl so fat you cannot see her eyes
• Girl extracted from Area 51
• Ultimate nerd girl
• Road kill girl
• Girl with eyes that point in different directions.
• Prison tat girl
• Prison mug shot girl

eHarmony will send you matches that the system thinks are a good match.  I would say out of 20 that it sends me; maybe 1 or 2 do not produce barf in my throat.
But I will say this for them.  The 5% that I sometimes meet have been very nice people.
I just wish they would do something to solve the farm animal syndrome.

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You've both had a nice dinner, drunk some wine, you're feeling a little "giddy" and the sexual tension is high.
The end of the date is nearing and the inevitable first kiss approaches....

You're both standing at the most romantic spot you can think of (Passenger side car door)
You stare into her eyes.  She has the perfect glazed look meaning you gave her just the right amount of wine. 
Wrapping your arms around her, bringing her close, you attempt the first kiss, softly at first, then more intense.
Now here is the dilemma experienced by all men who do not require Viagra...

You're both making out, exchanging copious amounts of tongue, holding each other close, the erection grows, quickly!

Three things cross your mind at this point...
1.  Should I care and just let her feel my manhood?
2.  Try to move your ass back a little so you don't impale her?
3.  Cum in your pants now so at least you go home happy?

If your answer is 3, then please read this:
Best methods of suicide

Should you choose 1, you risk scaring her away if she is a "nice girl" but the amount of wine you have administered to her should counteract this effect.
Should you choose 2, this will be safe, but you will probably be masturbating at home to the TV phone sex infomercials.

The choice is yours, choose wisely...

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