Some light humor in between all the DEATH!

This Booty Call Agreement (hereinafter referred to as the Agreement) is entered into on the _____ day of __________, 2009, by _______________, between _____________ and ___________.

THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:

1. No sleeping over--unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.
3. No calls before 9 PM--we don't have shit to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" shit --only mind-blowing sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions--Examples: Where are we heading with this? Do you love me? The answer is no, so don't ask.
6. No plans made in advance--that is why you are called the "back-up," unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time, advanced-arrangement.
7. All gifts accepted--money is always good.
8. No baby talk--however, dirty talk is encouraged.
9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers--it's really none of your damn business.
10. No calling each other "friends with privileges"--we are not friends, just sex buddies.
11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK--don't be offended.
12. No extra clothing--I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.
13. No falling asleep right after sex--it's over, so get your ass up and go home.
14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it--I don't care.
15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."
17. Doggie style preferred--just hit it hard and right or get the hell out.
18. Reason for doggie style: the less eye contact the better. I don't want to look at you, just fuck you.
19. We hook up absolutely whenever the mood strikes ME--so don't keep calling.

*** EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS***

The aforementioned rules may be altered by the holder of the agreement.
If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list, BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.

Participating partners:
Signature: ______________________
Date: ______________________

Could these be future readers of That's Phucked?

This little guy will probably grow up to be the Love Plug Guy!

Thanks to Cariner for submitting this to Mr. Phucked
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We all now know that swine flu started when a kid kissed a pig.

Now, thanks to Google, we know where they live!

This Google overlay of swine flu cases shows you where they are...

Does your neighbor have swine flu? If so, tell us!

So you all thought the fart lighter from earlier this week was fake?
Well how about this fart lighter? I think he got a pretty big surprise when his fart ignited as much as it did.

Latreasa Goodman, 27, was arrested and charged with misusing 911 after calling 3 times to report that McDonalds was out of Chicken McNuggets and they wanted to give her a McDouble.

Fort Pierce Police Department said Goodman called the 911 operator, "This is an emergency, if I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn't have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don't want one, this is an emergency!"

Last week we featured the Cop shoots himself video.

In these videos we have an old lady in a wheel chair showing him how to fire a gun as well as a soldier firing dual M249's.

Just don't get hurt in Mexico.  You might not make it to the hospital!

Ever had one of those bad computer days?

Well you're not alone.  Even Mr. Phucked has bad computer days...

 

I'm not really sure how it happened.

Actually, I do know how it happened.

Surfer Guy and I were rolling on ecstasy one night and we got to talking about my kinks and fetishes list.

SG: That I was a pretty cool list, but I meant to ask... I didn't see anything on there about rimjobs... how do you feel about that?
Me: I'm down! Are you into anal play? On you, I mean?
SG: Well, sure... it's a definite erogenous zone, for sure.

Fast forward to being naked in his bedroom, with a porn DVD playing on every TV in his condo. I'm going down on him and I tell him to turn around and bend over, to which he happily obliged. I planted my face in his ass while jerking him off (also known as the rusty trombone), and I'm thinking I had my face buried in his pooper for a good twenty minutes.

We move up on the bed, and at some point or another (while I was on the phone with a friend of mine, I think), I told him to finger me.

I felt one finger.

Then two.

Then three.

And I was yapping away on the phone, I felt the airspace get a little too tight (if you know what I mean), and I asked, 'Dude, how many fingers do you have in there?'

SG: Uh. All of them.
Me: Whoa, really?
SG: Yeah. This is kind of cool. I have never had this many fingers in a girl.
Me: Sweet!

I was curious as to why he would stick his entire hand in my vagina. Then I remembered a conversation we had a few weeks prior -- something along the lines of, 'Got any lube? Let's see how many fingers you can fit in my crotch!'

I went back to yapping and at some point or another, I handed the phone off to Surfer Guy so I could continue blowing him, and then I hung up -- while going down on him.

SG: Why don't you stick a finger in there?
Me: OK!

So, in porno-fashion, I hawked a volley of saliva into his back-door canal and stuck a finger in there. Then I opened up the bottle of lube with my one good hand and drizzled a little bit on the surface.

He went absolutely fucking crazy.
More...

Sometimes, translators just don't get them right...

I'm sure many of you have tried online dating, but would it work in Muslim countries?
They cannot show their faces so how would you know if they were attractive or ugly?

Example Ad:
I like to take long walks on the beach and tease my date by allowing the wind to gently blow my burke (face covering) a little and maybe allow you a glimpse of my nose, maybe even a cheek.
Maybe after 2 years of dating, I'll show you my ear.
Email me, let's meet for a coffee, I'll bring my short straw...