Being cute, single, outspoken, and flat out nuts (yes, nuts, as in I'll probably cut your sack off if you cross me the wrong way), I tend to attract men who are of the same variety which is, on occasion, nice.
It's also rare, which is unfortunate.
Unfortunate because the best type of sex is usually had by men who are indefinitely broken and I guess by that nature, it would make me broken as well. So whenever I get asked, "What do you like, sexually?", I can never really come up with a clear answer and usually respond with a flat-toned, "I'm into a lot of things." So, to clarify, I've created a list of my kinks and fetishes. Please take note of this should you ever feel the need to keep me crawling back for more unattached, premarital copulation (assuming we've already had sex or assuming you KNOW I want to have sex with you).
The Basics
Oral.
I have an oral fixation, as is the case with most habitual smokers. I didn't start smoking until I was 19 (August 2005), but even before I started smoking, I always had to have something in my mouth – translate that however you want. As a kid, I chewed my nails, pen caps, pencils, gum – anything that wouldn't kill me. It is Sigmund Freud's claim that people who were not breastfed as babies are more inclined to develop oral fixations and smoking habits – I'd say that could include marijuana, but I was more into happy pills and snorting stuff up my nose. Regardless, I think he's onto something – I was never breastfed as a kid. Anyway, I love oral play, whether it's oral sex or just kissing – more giving than receiving but I love to watch my partner do tricks with his mouth, and this applies to women as well. Seriously, I love it so much that I don't even have a gag reflex anymore. With the country being in a recession and perhaps even a depression, I can guarantee you I will not go hungry. Slurp, slurp, munch, munch.
Vaginal.
Nothing major to this section. Though I am extremely physically flexible, I prefer missionary, knees pinned to my shoulders or on top of my partner's shoulders – it's the easiest and quickest way to get me to climax. Second favorite position is the basic face-down, ass-up doggy style. Does that seem boring? Add some flavor by grabbing my hair and shoving my face into the mattress, Border Patrol custody style.
Hands.
I have sort of a hand fetish. When on a date, I carefully examine a man's hands to see if they're big and clean enough to fit my needs. Needless to say, if a man has small hands, I am not having sex with him. Fingering is the easiest and quickest, not to mention my favorite, way of getting me to climax. A Dreamworks animator I once dated made me climax over 10 times in an evening just by using his fingers, but unfortunately, only very few people really knew where my sweet spots are. I'd like to add that if you're one of the few, I'd like to marry you and have your children – if you can get over the fact that I'm a reformed slut.
Uncircumcised.
You read correctly. I prefer aardvark wang. There's no other explanation except that giving a cut penis a hand job is like jerking off a block of cement. With unadulterated foreskin, you never need lube and you can have sex any time, anywhere! A lot of women think uncircumcised cock is gross-looking and "unsanitary," but I'd like to argue both points:
1) Not once have I ever looked at my own vagina and said to myself, "Man, I've got one hot-looking pussy." I'm not sure genitalia is supposed to be designated for aesthetic pleasure considering its two functions are "urinating" and "procreating." Shut the hell up.
2) I'd say if you're worried about someone's penis being unsanitary, you should spend more time thinking about showering instead of fucking. Seriously. Wash it thoroughly and you're fine.
The funny thing about my preference for uncircumcised penis is that it contradicts my preference for Jewish / Israeli men. It's a comical dilemma, kind of like offering free pork to a Jew. As such, it is the sacrifice I must make for hairy Hebrew hotness.
Kinks
Dirty talk.
I enjoy listening to it, but only two or three people out of the P (mathematical variable for "partners") I've slept with have managed to get me to reciprocate. I have a slight lisp due to the alignment of my upper teeth and a very deep voice, so unless you're into nerdy Asian women who sound like Daffy Duck on testosterone, I will never, ever get over the embarrassment of talking dirty in bed. Recently, there was a guy who dirty-talked so well, he got me to do it with him – he dirty-talked me in a way to tell me he was in control, that he "owned" me, but also letting me know that he was taking care of my needs too – and he definitely was. I mean, this is the same guy I almost punched in the face during sex while rolling on ecstasy because it felt so good. Am I kicking your ass during sex? Then you're doing a great job! With that, I've learned that not everyone can be good at saying nasty things in bed nor can they be good at saying romantic, loving and passionate things in bed. When I was 20, I dated a 38 year old Swiss guy who said to me, during sex, "You make love better than most women in their thirties." I was both flattered and really uncomfortable, so I concluded that I'm not one for the romancing type of dirty talk. Unfortunately, he was the same guy who used the word "pee pee" during sex and from that point forward, I made him speak to me in German whenever he had the need to verbally express himself during sex. And thufferin' thuckatash, it worked out for the best!
On the subject of foreign languages… that's my number one preference when it comes to dirty talk. One of my "pre-screening" questions is whether a man is fluent in another language and if he is fluent, which language? You can only imagine how many bonus points he wins when it's a language I like. My favorites thus far are Hebrew and German; auxiliary favorites include Russian, Swedish, Lithuanian, and Italian – basically Germanic, Scandinavian, and Semitic, or anything remotely guttural and aggressive in sound. Overall, if I can't understand you, then there's no possible way you can sound like an idiot during sex.
Facials.
Self-explanatory – I'm a self-proclaimed receptacle, something I'll admit to very, very few people. It doesn't necessarily have to be on the face, in fact, I prefer it to be there and everywhere else. I love a white mess.
Hair pulling.
I love having my hair pulled, but not enough that you're going to walk away with a potential wig. Reach for it, pull gently, just above the scalp – gentle enough so that you're not hurting me, but aggressive enough to show me who's in control. If you do it well enough, then I'm butter in your hands – no pun intended. On occasion, I'll probably pull on my partner's hair too, but just enough to show him that I'm into whatever he's doing. One of the signs you should look out for if you're sleeping with me. Does this seem boring too? Add some flavor by combining facials with hair pulling. Not sure what I'm getting at? Grab me by the hair, pull my head back, and shoot a big one on my face. Moving on…
Anal.
Best done while verbally degrading me. I admire a man who has the audacity to call me a dirty little whore when he's got his cock in my ass. Kudos!
Scratching.
Again, self-explanatory – as much as I enjoy being scratched (LOVE it, actually), I'm usually more of the scratcher than the scratchee. It's a shame.
Biting.
There goes that kooky oral fixation again. I love being bitten, especially on the neck and shoulders – and if I'm really into it, I kind of like having my skin broken. On occasion, I'll bite my partner as well if he's into it.
Toys and other inanimate objects.
This applies to both anal and vaginal penetration. You name it, I've probably had sex with it. If I haven't, I'm more than willing to try. If the object has been in my ass, then it's a no-brainer that it has been in my vagina as well. Vibrators and dildos of various sizes, anal beads, cucumbers, bananas, toothbrushes, Coke bottles (that one was kind of tough), government-issued batons, blah, blah, blah, etc.
Piercings.
Another contradiction of mine. I'm totally attracted to the clean cut, white collar types. I think tattoos are a total turn-off (unless they're concealed) and I don't care much for piercings... or rather, I didn't until I had sex with someone who had a pierced cock. I tell you, it was the most erotic thing that ever entered my mouth. Hooray for stepladder penis!
Group sex.
Threesomes are great! I'm not going to lie. I'm not so much of a voyeur as I am an exhibitionist and a female cuckold. I do find some excitement in watching other people have sex, but find more excitement in it when my partner and I are being watched or when I'm watching my significant other have sex with another woman. It's a total turn-on watching him fuck someone else! You probably think I'm seriously fucking weird. When my ex-fiancé and I had a threesome with a girl we were not particularly attracted to, watching him have sex and fooling around with her was still really, really intense for me. I loved him so much, I just felt the need to share him with someone else. When I'm completely single and not dating anyone, my favorite kind of group sex is with older, married couples. I'm not sure why.
BDSM (A.K.A. a cooler way of needing psychotherapy)
Though I'm versatile, I prefer to be submissive and will only participate in BDSM with trusted partners.
Choking.
Oh, man. Choking. I had the longest orgasm in the world while being choked once. Beautiful British goth boy, how I miss thee! I love being choke-fucked – just please, don't kill me. The perfect way to do this is just to grab me by the neck to – again – show me who's in control.
Slapping.
Yes, I do enjoy being slapped in the face but not hard enough to bruise my beautiful face – close enough though. In my adventures, I have found that even the kinkiest of men hesitate to do this, understandably. Oddly enough, I have recently been fantasizing about what it might be like to get punched in the face during sex – but I figure if men refuse to slap me during sex, they sure as hell won't punch me either.
Spitting.
This one usually throws people for a loop. As long as your breath doesn't smell like you've been using dog shit for toothpaste, I very much enjoy being spit on. In a way, it's a form of degradation and clearly, I enjoy being degraded. Not sure how this one is supposed to work out? Again, you can grab me by the hair, pull my head back, and spit in my face. Top it off with words like "whore" or "skank" and I'm a happy customer. I'm still waiting for the day that someone grabs my hair, shoots a load on my face, calls me a whore, and spits on me.
Restraints.
A no-brainer. I once dated a Border Patrol agent who would grab me by the neck, slam my face into the mattress, and handcuff me like an actual TONK (a TONK is an illegal immigrant in Border Patrol custody, the acronym standing for "Territory of Origin Not Known," or so that's the official BP definition. What the term really means… it's the sound that is made when knocking a Mexican on the back of the head with a flashlight – don't shoot the messenger). Following the handcuffs, he would either shove three of his huge fingers into my cooch, violate me with a vibrator, or fuck me with his baton – all while grabbing my hair and keeping my face shoved into the mattress. Handcuffs are nice, but I'm more into using rope to restrain my wrists or tie me to a four-post bed. The bigger the struggle, the better. Craftier forms of restraint are welcome too – pillow cases, tourniquets, etc. I'll probably like it.
Candle wax.
There's no explanation for this one except that while restrained, I love being candle-waxed. Having my wrists and ankles tied so that my breasts and pink (brown, in my case) parts are vulnerable to getting waxed? Party on, Wayne!
Gags.
One of my personal favorites, though I am not a fan of the ball-gag, otherwise known as a gimp. That's some lockjaw-inducing shit! Because I am so loud during sex, I've had several partners stuff pillows over my face, but my favorite is when I'm being forced to shut up with my partner's hand over my mouth. I have had some serious orgasms with forced silence. Oh, I'm salivating…
Forced entry.
Another one that catches people off-guard. I love rape role play – again, I guess I enjoy anything that makes me struggle. Take your imagination, use all of the above I've written, and create your own perfect rape scene with me. I like it best when I'm pinned down and really have to put up a struggle, when I'm gagged, and when you won't take no for an answer. An anal rape scene is kind of a different story – a little bit of preparation is involved lest I end up in the ER needing anal-to-labial stitches. God, I really, really need therapy.
Role play.
This is what "forced entry" needs to fall under, but there are really only certain types of role play I'm into and rape scenarios happen to be one of them. I suppose my favorite type of role play is where I'm the virginal teenager and my partner is the dirty older man (aren't they always?) who deflowers my girl-garden shortly after moving in next door to my parents.
Nipple clamps.
Anything involving my breasts, really. I have very, very sensitive nipples so even feeling the slight brush of a tongue across them will drive me nuts. But nipple clamps are cool too if you think you'd be into hearing me scream like a rape victim – but then I'm into that too.
