(this is an ad I wrote back in February)
Now Hiring: Spring Boyfriend!
Spring is here! It's still freezing cold like winter to me, and warming
yourself up gets kind of old after a while. Do you miss companionship,
but are not looking for something long-term? This job may be for you!
(disclaimer: candidate must also be into or OK working with heavy
loads. This is no joke - it's a pretty big job order to
fill. Still interested in the job? Read on)
Job description: Seasonal / temporary boyfriend. A night time
and weekend cuddler. A relationship based on friendship, cooking
together, hanging out, physical intimacy. All the things a boyfriend
and girlfriend do except on a temporary basis.
About the employer / company:
Founded in the mid-eighties in Los Angeles, CA. Casual environment (torn up
jeans, flip flops, Chuck Taylor's/Adidas, punk t-shirts, but concealed
tattoos). Facility tolerates occasional smoking. Types of music often
played on premises: New Order, Depeche Mode, Pet Shop Boys, Joy
Division, Electronic, The Other Two, Monaco, Blur, Social Distortion,
Reverend Horton Heat, Morrissey, Erasure, Echo and The Bunnymen,
Rockabilly, Ska. Completely unprofessional company, sense of humor
ranges from obnoxious to offensive. Office has short, dark, and nerdy features (5'2", brown hair & eyes, glasses).
Spoken languages include fluent English, elementary Japanese, and
retard-level German. Company activities include hiking / trail running,
camping, swimming, European football (soccer), hockey, shooting pool,
books, writing, and video games.
Benefits and compensation:
No salary compensation, but OK benefits.
Medical (plenty of coitus and scalp massages)
Dental (none. I don't use teeth)
Vision / travel (with my bare breasts in your face, I'm gonna take you on a trip - a motorboatin' trip!)
Basic Allowance for Subsistence (nothing fancy - the only thing
I can do is throw shit in a skillet and make it taste good. Truth be
told, the allowance is probably coming out of your refrigerator - hell,
we can cook together)
401K / Stock Options (invest your rising stock in me with little to no returns)
About the candidate:
Seeking an attractive male for this job order - this means no women
and certainly no emails from dudes pretending to be women and vice
versa.
Candidate must be: older than me (25 - 35), taller than me,
open-minded, educated, sane, stable, outgoing, intelligent, reliable,
down to earth (no shirtless pictures and no cock pictures, please.
Showing me your freshman fifteen and your two inches of dangling fury
will not help you prove your job proficiency to me), and sociable.
Sense of humor is a must. Candidate must live within less than 15 miles
of the vicinity.
Preferred but not necessary: Four-year college degree, fellow
gamers/hikers/campers/smokers, athletic / decent shape (endurance and
stamina may be needed for certain job aspects), Caucasian (American, British / European,
Israeli, or South African), and clean cut appearance. Boyfriend
experience preferred, but not necessary - will train the right
candidate.
If you feel you are qualified for this position, attach a picture
and your resume with a cover letter and send me an email letting me
know why you think you're qualified for this position. No resume?
Qualified candidates will receive an application to complete and
return.
NOTE: This position will be terminated between May and June (translation: come summer time, get your shit and get the hell out).
