That's Phucked

How To Have Sex With Your Dog

Getting Started

The female dog normally comes on her first heat between the ages of nine and fifteen months. Attempting intercourse with her at this time is not recommended since these changes in her biochemistry are confusing enough without having you trying to do wierd things to her. I would strongly suggest waiting until her second heat if all appears normal.

The right bitch for you

As a rule of thumb, a dog the size of your average German Shepherd Dog is large enough to comfortably accomodate your average sized human male. However, this is not always true. I will go into further detail about signs of discomfort and warning signs later. Saint Bernards, Great Danes, Newfoundlands and other huge breeds should have no problems accommodating a human male.

Prepararation is the key!

In preparing to have sex with your dog, you'll need to run down to the local drug store and pick up a few things. Namely: KY Jelly, (do NOT use a petroleum or oil based lubricant). Wet and Astro Glide, both of which can be found at your local adult shop, work as well. Also, if you're near a medical or veterinary supply, surgical lubricants are good too; latex gloves. If you're going to be messing around with a stray dog or a dog you do not own it doesn't hurt to rubber up! You can get infections or a fever from bitches with vaginal infections or brucellosis, (see the 'Zoophilia and Your Health' PIP for more information on this topic); condoms. If sharing a dog or picking up a stray, protect yourself. Although dogs do not carry AIDS, it has been theorized that the virus could survive long enough inside a bitches' vagina long enough for you to contract it, or anything else, if you have sex with her immediately after an infected person. Remember also that if she has a yeast or bacterial infection, you could get it too; surgical soap. If you know the bitch is in good health and you'd like to insert whatever strikes your fancy into her, I recommend you clean it thoroughly. A bitches' vagina is a very vascular area and, especially when in heat, is quite susceptable to infection; nail clippers. Nails could carry dirt on them or scratch the delicate inner lining of a bitches' vagina. Cut them nails down and file them. You'll also look stunning with your new manicure :); and lastly, MilkBones! Buy these with everything else if you really want to squick the counter people :)

In the trenches

Once you've got your bitch and your supplies, it's time to get to work. I do not suggest attempting sex with a bitch out of season, especially if she is not your dog. You may wind up getting bit, which may mean changing your name to John Wayne Bobbitt. A bitch in heat is your best bet, but just because she's wet and smells nice doesn't mean she's 'in the mood.' How can you tell if she's in the mood? Check the discharge. The discharge of a bitch in 'Standing Heat' should be pinkish / creamy white. This cycle lasts for between seven and nine days and is in the middle of the complete heat cycle.

If the discharge is a dark, blood red, she's just coming into or going out of heat. It never hurts to try but DO NOT force her. She may say no the first time. Bitches are known to tease and may jump forward or fall over in front of you. However, if she reacts hostily to you, STOP IMMEDIATELY.

Definate signs that a bitch is receptive are; Flagging - raising of the tail over the back exposing the genitals, Soliciting - rubbing her butt in your crotch, sitting on your face, etcetera, and Play Posing - being excessively playful, jubilant, etcetera.

Once you're both consenting, you may consider some foreplay. Fingering her will bring you both hours of joy and amusement :) The bitches' "clitoris" is located about 3/4-1" (in large breeds) into the vagina. The clitoral ridge is fairly prominant so easy to find. Rubbing this will cause her to start thrusting and she'll love you for every moment of it. If she's your dog or if you're certain she's healthy, you may want to engage in some 'puppylingus.' Most bitches have a bitter-sweet taste when in standing heat and I definately recommend the aroma.

With all teasing done, it's time to start your engines! The vagina of a female dog takes a sharp turn upward so you will have to enter from a seventy-five to eighty degree angle. The average body temperature of a dog is 101-102 degrees Fahrenheit so expect her to very hot and moist. I don't believe I need to tell you what to do from here on in *grin*. Enjoy!

Out of heat and spayed bitches

If the bitch is your own you may want to try her out of heat. The same rules apply except be sure and use an excessive amount of lube and be very careful. You can do a lot of damage if you try and force her and that'll be a difficult one to explain to the vet.

Most spayed bitches cannot have intercourse because of the removal of their reproductive organs. They do not come into heat and very few show interest in sex. You can try 'fingering' a spayed bitch of 'puppylingating' her but intercourse is strongly advised against unless you have extensive experience.

Anal Sex

The same rule of thumb for size applies to anal sex as well. There are some dogs that like anal sex, others that tolerate it, and those that can't stand it. Most dogs will not be immediately comfortable with anal sex but if you choose to continue, instructions on how to do so follow. If your dog reacts with an expression of pain or anger, STOP IMMEDIATELY. Your dog is not suited for anal intercourse.

Start by touching the anal area of your dog and let them get comfortable with it. Do not dive right in and insert anything. Wait until they freely alow you to touch under their tail. Be patient. While touching around their tail, wear gloves. Numerous worms and bacteria which can cause a variety of illnesses can be found in dog feces. NEVER MAKE ORAL CONTACT WITH A DOG'S ANUS. The result could be a nasty infection or a case of tape, ring, or hookworms, among others. Once your dog is comfortable with you feeling around their anus, try inserting a VERY well lubricated, gloved finger. Do this over and over again until your dog seems comfortable with it. Once again, if your dog seems to be in pain or react violently, STOP and DON'T try again. Gradually increase the number of gloved, well lubricated fingers you use until the number of fingers inserted comfortably represents the width of your *****. You may then attempt anal intercourse with your dog.

Remember:

* Not every dog enjoys anal sex. The majority do not,
* Always rubber up and never have oral contact with the anus and STOP IMMEDIATELY if your dog shows signs of pain or discomfort.
* If you notice worms in your dog's stool, bring your dog to the vet with a stool sample.


Thanks to Yorkshire Rose for submitting this to Mr. Phucked
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Originally hosted on www.tribalwar.com

NOTE: This article is not intended for you to actually have sex with a dog.  It's for humor as I find this phucken funny!

Comments (53) -

-_- this is a little to detailed...........

Reply

HandsomeDevil
United States HandsomeDevil

man, i haven't had puppy love since grade school... but i don't remember it being this complicated. =/  yorkshire rose, you're one twisted twat.  xD

Reply

Bitches love dick what can I say.

Reply

Love them dick bitches.

Reply

What can I say, bitches love dick...LOL!

Reply

Woof, Woof!

Reply

Where can I find monkey sex?...Oh, wait. Not a good question on this site. :{

Reply

HandsomeDevil
United States HandsomeDevil

@james  and REMEMBER, bud: NEVER MAKE ORAL CONTACT WITH MARY'S ANUS- EVER!!!  now have fun, buddy. =D

Reply

yorkshire rose
yorkshire rose

LOL... calm down ppl. the good lord nos i didnt do this... just sumat i came across on the wonderful informative WWW...
now, sit down.. deep breath... AND RELAX then go see what u can find out there to upset me

Reply

Funny/gross.

I nice mix.

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@Queami~ I agree, waaay too much detail. Woman (all of a sudden) seem far easier to deal with!

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what about women who want to have sex with male dogs? where are these instructions huh? sexist er, pricks

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Who is the sick freak who came up with this shit????


Sex with dogs i mean WTF??

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way to detailed, who the fuck would think up of this besides the people who clearly have gone out and followed this guide themselves dirty fucking cunts, hope they die

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@tiger I've heard peanut butter works well for cunnilingus and a male dog will have sex with anything posing in doggy position if given the chance.

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Gheorghe Andrei Victor
Caribbean Gheorghe Andrei Victor

Awesome dude ! Pleasepost something about how to fuck chickens ! Keep up the good work Smile

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ha ha @noshot thanks for the tip, now the kids were asking for a dog, hmm...

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Not much different than having sex with a Black bitch, except the dog may smell better and won't give you that bullshit "can you pay my Car note"?

Reply

FUCK DIRTY NIGGERS
United States FUCK DIRTY NIGGERS

This is the stupidest goddamn post yet... All any of us had to do if we wanted to know how to fuck a dog is ask James... He fucks one all the time. Have you seen Mary??? That dirty  bitch is... well a bitch! haha

Reply

FUCK DIRTY NIGGERS
United States FUCK DIRTY NIGGERS

TGWABC- The monkey sex happens under Queami's bridge... it used to happen at his house but that shit foreclosed... So yeah- monkey sex can be found in Monroe LA under Queami's bridge...

Reply

FUCK DIRTY NIGGERS
United States FUCK DIRTY NIGGERS

Ellio4u- Welcome back old friend. You have been missed.

Reply

FUCK DIRTY NIGGERS
United States FUCK DIRTY NIGGERS

TGWABC- OH I almost forgot! He LOVES the anal just like the dogs.... No lube needed... He likes to get dry fucked in the ass. He is just such a giving cum receptacle.

Reply

heresjohnny
United States heresjohnny

Dammit jim.

Reply

This is by far the funniest thing I've ever read.

Reply

KURT FROM US
KURT FROM US

MY DOGS ALWAYS UP FOR IT A LITTLE BACON GREASE ON MY BALLS AND SHE WILL LICK THEM FOR HOURS BUT NO ANAL SHES NOT INTO THAT BUT SHE LOVES TO FUCK ONLY AT NIGHT THOUGH EVERYONE SHOULD TRY IT ITS GREAT  

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@FDN  You still hating bro?  sad for you. I thought this post was going to be hate free, but like a nigger you had to fuck shit up. I hope you are happy with yourself.Maybe your dog ran away Because YOU DIDN'T PAY ATTENTION TO THE DAMN SIGNS.

Reply

KURT FROM US
KURT FROM US

heres something more phucked up than this
http://www.animalfuckingpeople.com/

Reply

bitch bit my bone :O this doesn't work

Reply

FUCK DIRTY NIGGERS
United States FUCK DIRTY NIGGERS

Queami- You are right for the first time ever! Niggers fuck shit up. We actually agreed on something you stupid fucking coon!

Reply

Kimchee Fart
Kimchee Fart

One of the phunniest article in ThatsPhucked. Truely phucked up information.

Reply

Gauntlets The Fighter
United States Gauntlets The Fighter

WHoever wrote dis needa b institutionalized or some shit... I mean... unless one is really desperate 2 lose his virginity *cough*FDN*cough, then who would phuck a dog?
I'd like 2 c some1 write about a girl lettin' a male dog phuck her.  Now dat'd b funny!

Reply

Ms.Phucked
Canada Ms.Phucked

lol, its disturbing , but i couldnt force myself to stop reading this..lol. its hilarious how detailed it is.. i guess u answered all of Ellios questions.. lol

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@Gauntlets - WRITE about it? click on the link @KURT FROM US provided at your own risk then, WOW, there's even a pic of a man/dog bitch doing just what the above instructions describe!

Reply

Feetlestick
United States Feetlestick

Isn't it more interesting to see how a women gets a male dog to fuck her?

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do you know this from personal experience, mr.phucked? Do you and your dog have a "special" connection?

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I read a whole article about having sex with dolphins, lol!! Cracked up people.. Apparently you can't let a male dolphin ejaculate in you because it's soo strong it'll tear your insides all up.

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@Peach I've seen the video with a man blowing a dolphin! they've got a real big penis, thick as a man's but it tapered off at the end, to a soft looking point, the guy was wearing a lanyard and was obviously some kind of trainer (I bet he is the dolphin's FAVORITE trainer)

Reply

CaptainStagnetti
United States CaptainStagnetti

Wow, because this morning I woke up thinking, "How can I phuck my dog?"

Reply

Too long didn't read.

Also the fact that it's about fucking a dog put me off a bit.

Reply

I felt revolted yet i could not stop reading :o

Reply

Niggarocious
United States Niggarocious

lol i just read the forclosed house comment

Reply

Niggarocious
United States Niggarocious

*foreclosed scuse me, just a bowl too many

Reply

Excuse*

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Who ever wrote that article is fucked beyond their wildest dreams.

Reply

Niggarocious
United States Niggarocious

Your excused queami, you blow another brain fart?

Reply

Dogs doin women is much more interesting.

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Whoever wrote that article needs help, and by help I mean shooting at point blank range, lets not fuck around here...

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No instructional video????

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i am sooooo forwarding your website information to the authorities. zoophilia is illegal, asshole!

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@alex top
You're a retard.  It even says on the bottom of the article that it isn't meant to be used irl.
In any case, Mr. Phucked thinks he's only showing gorey images and screwed up things, but he's also bringing the truth.  I've never seen a real dead human body before, only Photoshopped humans.  Do you really want to shut down a site as cool as this anyway?


What was most disturbing is that I didn't find a real dead corpse disgusting at all.  Maybe BME Pain Olympics tore anything less down several notches.

Reply

Suppose it's a useful post indeed! Just bookmarked it!

Reply

sounds like you know damn well what your doing thats pretty phucked up man i dont see how you can be so nonchalant about it but whatevers clever bro just stay away from my pup

Reply

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