The female dog normally comes on her first heat between the ages of nine and fifteen months. Attempting intercourse with her at this time is not recommended since these changes in her biochemistry are confusing enough without having you trying to do wierd things to her. I would strongly suggest waiting until her second heat if all appears normal.
The right bitch for you
As a rule of thumb, a dog the size of your average German Shepherd Dog is large enough to comfortably accomodate your average sized human male. However, this is not always true. I will go into further detail about signs of discomfort and warning signs later. Saint Bernards, Great Danes, Newfoundlands and other huge breeds should have no problems accommodating a human male.
Prepararation is the key!
In preparing to have sex with your dog, you'll need to run down to the local drug store and pick up a few things. Namely: KY Jelly, (do NOT use a petroleum or oil based lubricant). Wet and Astro Glide, both of which can be found at your local adult shop, work as well. Also, if you're near a medical or veterinary supply, surgical lubricants are good too; latex gloves. If you're going to be messing around with a stray dog or a dog you do not own it doesn't hurt to rubber up! You can get infections or a fever from bitches with vaginal infections or brucellosis, (see the 'Zoophilia and Your Health' PIP for more information on this topic); condoms. If sharing a dog or picking up a stray, protect yourself. Although dogs do not carry AIDS, it has been theorized that the virus could survive long enough inside a bitches' vagina long enough for you to contract it, or anything else, if you have sex with her immediately after an infected person. Remember also that if she has a yeast or bacterial infection, you could get it too; surgical soap. If you know the bitch is in good health and you'd like to insert whatever strikes your fancy into her, I recommend you clean it thoroughly. A bitches' vagina is a very vascular area and, especially when in heat, is quite susceptable to infection; nail clippers. Nails could carry dirt on them or scratch the delicate inner lining of a bitches' vagina. Cut them nails down and file them. You'll also look stunning with your new manicure :); and lastly, MilkBones! Buy these with everything else if you really want to squick the counter people :)
In the trenches
Once you've got your bitch and your supplies, it's time to get to work. I do not suggest attempting sex with a bitch out of season, especially if she is not your dog. You may wind up getting bit, which may mean changing your name to John Wayne Bobbitt. A bitch in heat is your best bet, but just because she's wet and smells nice doesn't mean she's 'in the mood.' How can you tell if she's in the mood? Check the discharge. The discharge of a bitch in 'Standing Heat' should be pinkish / creamy white. This cycle lasts for between seven and nine days and is in the middle of the complete heat cycle.
If the discharge is a dark, blood red, she's just coming into or going out of heat. It never hurts to try but DO NOT force her. She may say no the first time. Bitches are known to tease and may jump forward or fall over in front of you. However, if she reacts hostily to you, STOP IMMEDIATELY.
Definate signs that a bitch is receptive are; Flagging - raising of the tail over the back exposing the genitals, Soliciting - rubbing her butt in your crotch, sitting on your face, etcetera, and Play Posing - being excessively playful, jubilant, etcetera.
Once you're both consenting, you may consider some foreplay. Fingering her will bring you both hours of joy and amusement :) The bitches' "clitoris" is located about 3/4-1" (in large breeds) into the vagina. The clitoral ridge is fairly prominant so easy to find. Rubbing this will cause her to start thrusting and she'll love you for every moment of it. If she's your dog or if you're certain she's healthy, you may want to engage in some 'puppylingus.' Most bitches have a bitter-sweet taste when in standing heat and I definately recommend the aroma.
With all teasing done, it's time to start your engines! The vagina of a female dog takes a sharp turn upward so you will have to enter from a seventy-five to eighty degree angle. The average body temperature of a dog is 101-102 degrees Fahrenheit so expect her to very hot and moist. I don't believe I need to tell you what to do from here on in *grin*. Enjoy!
Out of heat and spayed bitches
If the bitch is your own you may want to try her out of heat. The same rules apply except be sure and use an excessive amount of lube and be very careful. You can do a lot of damage if you try and force her and that'll be a difficult one to explain to the vet.
Most spayed bitches cannot have intercourse because of the removal of their reproductive organs. They do not come into heat and very few show interest in sex. You can try 'fingering' a spayed bitch of 'puppylingating' her but intercourse is strongly advised against unless you have extensive experience.
The same rule of thumb for size applies to anal sex as well. There are some dogs that like anal sex, others that tolerate it, and those that can't stand it. Most dogs will not be immediately comfortable with anal sex but if you choose to continue, instructions on how to do so follow. If your dog reacts with an expression of pain or anger, STOP IMMEDIATELY. Your dog is not suited for anal intercourse.
Start by touching the anal area of your dog and let them get comfortable with it. Do not dive right in and insert anything. Wait until they freely alow you to touch under their tail. Be patient. While touching around their tail, wear gloves. Numerous worms and bacteria which can cause a variety of illnesses can be found in dog feces. NEVER MAKE ORAL CONTACT WITH A DOG'S ANUS. The result could be a nasty infection or a case of tape, ring, or hookworms, among others. Once your dog is comfortable with you feeling around their anus, try inserting a VERY well lubricated, gloved finger. Do this over and over again until your dog seems comfortable with it. Once again, if your dog seems to be in pain or react violently, STOP and DON'T try again. Gradually increase the number of gloved, well lubricated fingers you use until the number of fingers inserted comfortably represents the width of your *****. You may then attempt anal intercourse with your dog.
* Not every dog enjoys anal sex. The majority do not,
* Always rubber up and never have oral contact with the anus and STOP IMMEDIATELY if your dog shows signs of pain or discomfort.
* If you notice worms in your dog's stool, bring your dog to the vet with a stool sample.
Thanks to Yorkshire Rose for submitting this to Mr. Phucked
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NOTE: This article is not intended for you to actually have sex with a dog. It's for humor as I find this phucken funny!