My sister and I were coming from Los Angeles to San
Diego and stopped at a San Clemente Wal-Mart one night so she could
purchase a pregnancy test kit as she was 6 days late for her period --
no symptoms of pregnancy or PMS or anything -- her vagina simply
refused to bleed.
So we're scanning the personal hygiene
section when we finally come across the contraceptives and as my sister
is scanning pregnancy test kits, I'm thinking about wire coathangers,
steel-toed boots (for swift uterus kicking), concrete stairs, and other
alternatives forms of free contraception until a shiny red box captures my
attention. "TROJAN" was printed in big bold letters on the front of the
box and right under it "VIBRATIONS" was printed in tiny form. I
decided that $6 for a single condom that probably wasn't going to work
(considering it was Trojan) and a tiny elastic vibrating ring that
probably wasn't going to get me off was a logical purchase in my 20
year old mind. My sister picked her test of choice and off we went to
the checkstands to complete our purchases.
A gorgeous, but probably young and
dumb Marine stood at our checkstand of choice -- with that in mind and
considering my sister's choice of purchase, she insisted that I go
first. The trailer park female clerk rang up my purchase as my sister
placed her test on the conveyor belt. "Well, who is THIS for?" she
asked jokingly. My sister smiled awkwardly. The clerk took one good look at both of our items and
said to me, "You probably should've bought that [pointing at vibrating
condom box] for your friend there a week ago." My sister laughs and I
smirk as I swipe my debit MasterCard between the crevice of the card
machine. The clerk then proceeds to prattle on about her sex life, her
numerous pregnancy scares, and probably something else utterly
unimportant and uninteresting relating to trailer park STDs in Arkansas
or wherever the hell she was from, with blatant disregard to the male customer behind us. She then asked my sister a question she seems to get asked quite
Clerk: Do you have any kids?
Clerk [looking at me]: Do YOU have any kids?
Me [reading register total]: Not unless you want to count the one I canceled at Planned Parenthood.
Clerk [handing me receipt]: ...sign here, please.