In this follow up to the Farting In The Office Guide a while back. We now give you the Crapping At Work Survival Guide:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everybody else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
The act of scouting out a bathroom before doing a crap.
Walk in and check for other crappers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a...
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a crap in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee.
It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
When forcing a crap, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the crap hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the crap has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET CRAPPER
A colleague who craps at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet crapper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.
Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet crapper before entering the bathroom.
THE CRAPPER NERDS NETWORK (CNN)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency craps go off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Crappers and identify SAFE HAVENS.
A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite gender. This will reduce the odds of a crapper of your gender entering the bathroom.
Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when having a crap at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the crapper can crap in peace.
A big crap that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
A case of the skitters that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough together with an Astaire.
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to crap when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.