That's Phucked

Dear Red States

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware,
that includes California , Hawaii , Oregon , Washington , Minnesota , Wisconsin , Michigan , Illinois and all of the Northeast. It may even include Florida and Ohio , they are seriously considering it. We've given them until Nov. 4th to decide. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country. Since we're dropping the middle states we're calling it United America, or simply the U.A.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas , Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. You can take Ted Nugent. We're keeping
Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel. You get WorldCom. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get Ole' Miss. We get Harvard and 85 percent of America 's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama . We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. Please be aware that the U.A. will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, really
we do, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire. We'd rather spend it on taking care of sick people, and educating our children.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans
(and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite , thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred
unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy Redies believe you are people with higher morals then we Bluies..

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too.

Peace out,

Blue States

Comments (13) -

and we wonder why southern people are so silly. they don' thave shit.


I really wish we would separate again...So we didnt have to put up with you yankees, hippies, and flat tool bags for the rest of our lives......  We are what Americas about..Blue Collar people who have to work hard for a living..Not people who sit in from of a Computer screen typing on here to make people laugh....faggots


I have a question. Being as I am from Alabama what are your immigration policies? Or perhaps extradition policies?


Nah, you're not going anywhere. The red states will always be a thorn in your side. However, I am not necessarily opposed to your proposal. If you left, the country can then be placed back in the hands of real human beings.


Hmmm...since I live in the great state of Texas, I accept your proposal for a split you socialist douche.  We, as a state, do not need your morally corrupt society infringing on our economic supremacy.  You can keep the IRS and the federal reserve and capital hill, we'll keep all the fightercraft and tanks and ships and men.  Our fellow redsies will join us in an economic utopia that will soon leave the ever dwindling number of bluesies in a status similar to that of Sierra Leone.

All of your businesses will leave you, and come to us.  All of the entertainment industry, and the ministry of propoganda will stay with you.  All the hispanics will start coming to us, and all of china and japan will start coming to you in force. Oh and we'll keep all the blacks that live in Arkansas, Alabama and Louisiana, and we'll give them jobs on an equal status without the need for affirmative action. Many of them will start up their own businesses which will, of course, thrive.

The tech market will also come to us since we will have business friendly regulations that promote growth and prosperity instead of taxation and limitations.  The auto industry will move its manufacturing capacities here to TX, and will start making real cars again.  Oil will be shipped from Alaska, and piped in from the Gulf of Mexico.  We'll be totally independant.  

We will also keep all the food produced in the red states in the corn belt.  We may sell the surplus to you at ridiculously high prices.

Quality entertainment will once again be prominent with the return of real music, and real dramatical works of art.  The big screen will feature historically accurate movies that don't have love stories in every sidestep.  We will live in bliss. We will also keep the 35 billionaires and 56 of the top 500 fortune companies that live in Texas alone.  

The citizens of your U.A. will not know what is going on ever, as the fane-stream media(ministry of propoganda) tells them they are living in economic splendor while they live in shacks. But they will believe everything they are told because, they are the sheople. They will also keep their mouths shut because they receive federal benefits if they behave.

So go ahead and leave already, we beg you.

Meanwhile, get the hell off of politics, and get back to showing funny disgusting crap from around the world. 99% of us did not come here to listen to your politically misguided rants. We came to see brazilian fart porn which has to be one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life.


Wow, that sounds like an amazing plan!  We'd be rid of most of our racist population, rednecks, hillbillies, and idiots!!!  And maybe if Florida is in the new U.A. that will make all the old retirees move to Texas so they can be with others of their kind.  This sounds like a new world, I'd love to be a part of.  Hell I wouldn't miss Texas much anyway, it's just full of steers and queers anyway....and morons like Mr. DJ, hahahaha!!!!


United States billygoatgruff

i'm with you mr. dj...besides, it'll be easy to wipe out these smurf pussies since they don't believe in war.  


United States That_crazy_tyler

Hey Mr. DJ, considering that all farming, industrial, and biotech counties in California were red too, may we bring the Jauqin valley, the Seirra Nevadas, San Diego, and our oil-producing Mojave?


Dear Blue States:

Well, imagine our relief that you’ve decided to secede and form some sort of bathing-optional commune headquartered in California. The money we'll save in aspirin, now that we won’t have headaches from listening to your interminable whining, will be worth it to us alone.

We'll finally be rid of you lazy, moping, latte-sucking Streisand fans now that you're actually going to follow through--for once--on your promise to finally get off your butts and leave, as so many of you claimed you would every election cycle and then chickened out of actually doing. (Yeah, we’re looking at you, Alec Baldwin.)

But not so fast. You don’t get to take all the Blue States with you--just the Blue parts.

We hate to break it to you, but your Blue States aren’t actually "blue." Mostly, they’re states full of Red counties with pockets of Blue urban blight in them, who vote Democratic in such numbers that if the same results came out of a Third World country—which, come to think of it, many of the "Blue" counties pretty much are—we’d think it was fraud and send some election observers from the UN.

Even California is pretty much a Red State: Bush won 35 out of 58 counties, while Kerry won LA and San Francisco. You want 'em? we certainly won’t fight you for them but you're going to have to found New California without 35 of your most beautiful counties and your second-largest city. Sorry about that.

Nationally, Bush won over 2.5 million square miles of U.S. counties (and an extra three and a half million votes, but we won't rub that in.) Kerry won less than 600,000 square miles--meaning that in most states he was popular downtown and pretty much nowhere else. In other words, your guy won the places that people like him would get shot if he walked through them at night. Our guy won every place else.

So, the bottom line is that you don't get the Blue States. Those states have lots of towns and counties that would rather blow their dams and flood themselves out of existence rather than go with you. No, instead, you get the Blue Cities.

But wait…we really feel we owe you full disclosure on this exchange. This might come as an unpleasant surprise, but you don’t actually get the lower divorce and single-motherhood rates and all that other good stuff you think you're going to snag. Those are the conditions that are actually found out in the Red counties—not in the Blue cities, and you can't have them.

Instead you get the urban single moms, not the soccer moms; the drug addicts, not the doctors; the waiters, not the chefs. You get the fine service you've come to expect from the brutal and corrupt inner-city police departments. You get the abysmal literacy rates and schools that are more dangerous than most prisons. All in all, you get to take with you a public sector in most cities so unmanageable they make Mogadishu seem like a tidily run little municipality by comparison.

You get the labor union shakedown artists, "teachers" who can’t pass tests in their own subject, and city government leaders for whom graft, racial spoils systems, and outright theft are a way of life. They’re all very enthusiastic Blue voters, as you know, and we’re sure they’ll stampede their way to New California to start draining your wallets, wrecking your schools, and in general making a mess of your lives.

(And don't come complaining back to us when socialist central planning does for New California what it did for garden spots like East Berlin and Pyongyang. We're putting a strict visa system into place once you all go.)

We, on the other hand, get those Red city suburbs and rural districts. You know, the ones with the good schools, the high property values, the quiet streets and the sheriffs and cops who don’t need to walk around armored up like they’re about to storm the Sunni Triangle.

Oh and don’t concern yourself with our agricultural capacity after all, they don't call it "the breadbasket" for nothin'. We’ll keep right on producing the vast majority of wheat, corn, oats, rye, potatoes, soybeans, beef, chicken and pork.

We’ve always preferred a nice, unpretentious, frosty mug of brew anyway and hey, maybe you can make a salad with those pineapples, stem cells, and lettuce.

And don't even think about keeping the National Parks, the wide open spaces, all those water resources, and all the rest of America's natural splendor, since those are all pretty much located in Red counties.

Hell, we even get most of Oregon and Washington ...ain’t it ironic? You get the urban liberals in Portland and Seattle and their friends in important social organizations (like, say, drug-running street gangs) and we get the rest of the Northwest.

Ok by us; we’d be fools not to take you up on it.

Here’s how it will work; all of you Blue whiners, please feel free to look at a map of the electoral results county by county in each state, and take the people with you who’ve made it clear they’d like to go.

That means you get places like downtown Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, and we get to keep the rest of beautiful Pennsylvania, thanks.

You get to administer bloated public services to the violent, drug-addled, gunslinging populations of delightful inner-city sinkholes of poverty and corruption such as Miami, St. Louis,Atlanta and the ever-popular District of Columbia--which has been governed by liberals (and the occasional crackhead) for so long and so incompetently that any semblance of order has broken down (beyond the carefully guarded borders of your Georgetown bistros, natch) to the point where even the mayor once asked the President to have the city patrolled by National Guardsmen.

Lucky you, it's all yours--enjoy it in good health, and don’t forget to wear your Kevlar...Blue "voters" up there in Northeast DC tend to be jumpy on the ol' trigger finger.

In fact, all around our great nation, you get to keep all the Blue voters who’ve made urban war zones like downtown Detroit--a Blue bastion, of course--the proud showplaces they are today.

We get the rest of Blue states like Michigan and Wisconsin and Illinois and...well, frankly, just about every state in the Union with the exception of Hawaii and New England--and even there, we’ll just hang on to a couple of chunks of New Hampshire and Connecticut.

You’re especially more than welcome to Rhode Island, which will immediately set up some sort of money-laundering scheme and bilk the rest of you once it has been incorporated into whatever sort of muddle-headed utopia you’re trying to create.

The former mayor of Providence should be out of Federal prison in time to join your Politburo and help you get things set up--for a small consulting fee, of course

If you would please, take another look at the list of best beaches and notice what color states they are in. We'll miss the Hawaiian beaches, but since long stretches of coastline from New Jersey down to Florida and yes, even in Southern California (including San Diego, thanks) are actually in Red counties, we'll be fine.

Sure, we get the rednecks and holy rollers. But since you're apparently willing to trade them for the gangs and psychopaths terrorizing your Blue cities, what can we say? You want the Crips and the Bloods in low riders raking your streets with automatic gunfire, and you're offering us Bubba heading off to church in his pickup?

Hey, a deal's a deal. Done.

True, you also get Manhattan, but darn the luck, you have to take the rest of the city, including the Bronx, Queens, and Brooklyn too, as well as Long Island, which is enough to almost make us feel sorry for you all out there in New California. (Almost.)

For our part, we’ll take most of the rest of gorgeous New York State, although you get the scam artists who infest the legislature in Albany.

And since for some unfathomable reason you actually want Elliot Spitzer, we’ll buy his plane ticket as a gesture of goodwill.

So that’s the deal. You get the cities, with all the crime, crack mommies, and corruption you can stand.

And sure, you get many of the elite colleges too, with the professors who think that terrorists in Fallujah are freedom fighters and that the people who worked in the Twin Towers on 9/11 were no better than Nazis—forgive us for not lamenting over this loss.

We get the suburbs, the countryside, and all the other beautiful places that remain unspoiled by liberal hypocrisy and addle-brained social experimentation.

And we'd like a favor, too: please keep your sky-high tax and crime rates, since we're happy to have the corporations and jobs that continue to flee your Blue cities into our Red counties. It's much appreciated, since our unemployment rates, to say nothing of our crime, single-parenting, and illiteracy rates, are far lower than yours.

Oh, and one last thing. We get the U.S. military, too. Did we mention that part? (You may have forgotten that they're volunteers, and most are happy Red state voters.)

Not to worry, though, since we’re sure that Islamic fundamentalist terrorists will be more than happy to reach an accommodation with a society that embraces radical feminism, gay marriage, gun control, hostility to organized religion of any kind, and Salman Rushdie. Good luck with that.

But one day when some misogynist Saudi freak--who no doubt will sneak into your country by strolling over the northern border after a few years sucking on the Canadian welfare system you all admire so much--blows up a couple kilos of plutonium on Sunset Boulevard, go send Sean Penn to ask the French for help. We’ll be busy that day.


The Red States

PS: You can keep the marijuana. You're going to need it, since selling it is one of the last stable industries left in Blue counties.


Wow you guys seriously got your dicks twisted over this. The fact is that we have to put up with each others' bullshit to make it. The blue states may have most of the tech and entertainment industries (a few years ago California had enough money circulating to become their own nation), are breeding grounds for culture and developments in thought(which includes giving us porn), and of course the good pot. However the red states possess the most of the coal mines that eventually generate the power the blues need(I seem to remember Gov. Grey Davis turning to Southern Power for help during the energy crisis just before being impeached because a barely intelligible Down's Syndrome patient was more capable of doing his job than himself) for making those terrible atrocities modern cinema (I refuse to believe 'Take it 2 Tha Streets' and 'Never Back Down' weren't the brain child of some Hollywood money scum), and generally keep your economy running. The red states also possess a great deal of the farm land not controlled by the federal government so they can grow their own precious corn and raise their own live stock. As for Mr. DJ, he lives in the only state that is actually allowed to succeed from the federal government if they so choose. Another funny thing I learned about the blue states in the Northeast is that bestiality and marrying your first cousin are perfectly legal. the red states are know for their fair share of ignorance but the blue states carry a different kind of ignorance (like the entire West Coast's love and admiration for indelible greed and the homeless) that simply doesn't come out sounding like a redneck. We're all just about as stupid from state-to-state so just accept each other as a necessary evil and continue.  


Thank you Mr. Duke for your esteemed rebuttal. I didn't have time to write nearly half of what I wanted to say, but you managed to surpass me on all fronts. Major Kudos.

In any event, Mr. Phucked, we're kind of tired of the political bullshit. Not that I'm a sore loser, cause I'm not.  McCain was the worst candidate we've had in a long time. He was more democrat than republican. More liberal than conservative.  In other words, we deserved to lose that election.  Of course, we lost it thanks in large part to the liberal media who have admitted to being biased. But that's okay. It's okay because now we can't be blamed for anything. The buck has been passed, it's now in your hands.

Now we, the conservatives, get to whine, bitch, moan and complain about everything that goes wrong. When the economy is bad, we'll bitch.  When the war goes bad, we'll bitch.  When our rights are taken away, we'll bitch. Everything is now your fault.

And btw, just so everybody knows. I moved from Michigan to Texas.  Michigan, thanks to Jennifer Granholm, beat the rest of the United States into this recession by two years. Approximately the time when I made the great migration.  Granholm, the Canadian socialist bitch, single-handedly drove that economy straight off the cliff, and the bottom still hasn't been reached. We were fine before she came along, but eh, whatever.

That Crazy Tyler, yes you can bring whatever and whoever you want with you. Smile  We accept everybody except libtards.

Geoff, yes there are steers here, not queers though. They all live in California, though they may be moving to other states now that Gay marriage is banned. Yeah, go ahead and make fun of us for being the ignorant haters. Anyways, yeah we'll keep all our steers. McDonalds will fail without the beef we provide it with. That means you'll be out of at least two meals a day. Poor you. Hope you enjoy canned spam.

To conclude my rant, let me impart you with a special piece of inflamatory genius.  I will ask you to recite the Pledge of Allegience, and see if democracy or republic shows up first.  Hmmm...seems like our founding fathers had a constitutional republic in mind, not a democracy. Don't know what the difference is? HAH! Perhaps if you educated yourself, you would find that the true American party has the elephant as its symbol, not the jackass. Oh, I can see the purple faces now... so don't take my word for it, look it up yourselves.  Red Beckman did a nice little video that explains the difference splenidly. Or you can just google constitutional republic.

-Mr. DJ

p.s. In honor of my favorite web series, "SUCK IT BLUE!"


"95 percent of America's quality wines" wow, possibly what defines america! What Wines? Sorry just had to say it.

Very funny, Although I'd like to see what southerns would say


Thanks Duke for metioning the fact that most "blue" states are actually red, and the only blue comes fromt the heavily populated major cities. Living in beautiful oregon myself im sick and tired of being called a liberal state when only the small portland area is blue


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