As the 10 year anniversary of losing my virginity approaches, I felt a bit obligated to writing something dedicated to the memorable men of my past.
Daniel - You were my first. How could I forget? You were tall, good-looking, popular, and in retrospect, a 17 year old child molester. Last I heard, you were regularly beating the shit out of your pregnant girlfriend.
Efren - You were my second, and the first to unofficially penetrate me on the backside. You're now married to your childhood sweetheart, and working as a pastor with children in the town next over to mine. What the fuck? Seriously.
Shawn A. - You were a first for a couple of things. The first person to ever get me to smoke pot and the first white guy I had ever slept with. The first time I ever slept with a guy who had a girlfriend - one who was attached to the hip no less. Also the first guy whose brother and father came on to me at separate times. Sorry I never told you about that. I'm also sorry you and your father were tweaking on meth so hard, neither of you could keep a job or pay the mortgage. Last I heard, granny died which resulted in your dad losing the house. I hope you're well. You were nice.
Stephen - My first puppy love! We met through Shawn A. I was 14. Man, you were great. You were also 19. You pervert. You also dated my second sister, and though it was only brief, I was none too happy about that. Despite everything, I'm glad we're still friends after all these years. Oh. I'm also sorry for never telling you I slept with Shawn A. behind your back.
Dave S. - You were my first sugar daddy. Except any time you tried to buy me anything, I would decline the offer because of guilt. I was stupid. You didn't care. I think you cared more about feeling like a champ because you were fucking my sister, then quit fucking her to fuck her younger sister (me).
Larry G. - We fucked at El Pollo Loco, in the bathroom, while your girlfriend was competing in our hometown beauty pageant. To this day, I am still confused as to why she even bothered trying. Didn't anyone tell her she looks like someone beat the shit out of her face with green war paint?
Dave B. - Though we're somewhat friends now, I'm really sorry for everything I did to piss you off. What did I do to piss you off? I have no idea. To be honest, I was so high on marijuana when I was dating you; everything just seemed like a blur, though I do remember the sex being awful. "You can at least moan or something, you know." "Uh, I'm trying."
? Smith - I can't remember your first name for the life of me, but you were in absolute love with me for two years. You were my first Marine, and certainly not the last. Born and raised in South Carolina, and dumber than a sack of sheep intestines, I often wonder: what the hell did I see in you?
Mozingo - You worked with Smith. In fact, you two were really good friends and partied all the time. You were pretty drunk, so you don't remember this, but I gave you a handjob behind the couch Smith was sleeping on. Shhhh.
Brian Harper - Beautiful and only 19 years old, you spent a week in jail for having sex with me. Sorry your neighbor let it slip. You were nice.
Shad B. - You molded my perspective on men in a very drastic way by cheating on me on Valentine's Day. I was so heartbroken. I haven't been the same since then. After that, I paid it forward and broke hearts left and right.
Carlson - I'm still wondering why I was sleeping with you. I know I was rebounding, but why you? You were known amongst your friends for having a taste for "younger" women. Oddly enough, I nearly married your squadron XO 4.5 years later.
Jerry M. - I'll never forget you. Though we're friends now, I'm really sorry for all the shit I put you through. Especially for that time that cop caught you going down on me in your truck at like, 1:00 AM. And he became suspicious that I was a minor. You covered up well. We had a pretty intense three month relationship, and somewhere between that, you started cross-dressing behind my back. Though your gigantic cock looks REALLY awkward sticking out of a skirt, I'm glad you've finally become comfortable in your own skin. I'll always love you.
Joe S. - You were my first official true love, and probably the only guy I didn't cheat on. Sorry for going batshit crazy the way I did. Took me a goddamned year and a half to get over you. I had a lot of fun though. I wish you well.
Chris R. - You were there for me quite a bit when Joe broke up with me. And the sex was awesome. The last time I saw you, you said, "Cheer up, kid. It takes time. You're going to have a lot to look forward to." Two weeks later, you died in a car accident. I cried and I cried and I cried. I miss you so much.
Jonathan K. - My post-Joe rebound. You lasted a whole 2 months till either: a) I got bored with you or, b) you EAS'd out of the Marines and went back to New York. You were so hot; you actually became the start of my Jew fetish. Last I heard, you were dating some beast of a girl you went to college with. Ugh.
Don J. - Every time I hear Tears for Fears' "Everybody Wants to Rule the World," I think of you. I get a flashback to the time you were in Orange County on business from Manhattan and you were flipping through radio station after radio station to find this song just because I said I wanted to listen to it. It took us all of four days to fall in love with each other and spent everyday of your business trip together in a five-star hotel in Newport Beach. It was a teary-eyed goodbye when you had to leave for New York. I wanted to say that I am sorry for rejecting you when you came out to visit me that following July. The distance scared me. You asking me to move to New York scared me. You're now married with a kid. Sometimes I wish it could have been me.
Clay - We dated for four months and only had sex once - and that was the last time we saw each other. I dumped you not much later after that. Put two and two together, you were fucking horrible. And you treated me like shit though I was as sweet as I could be to you. A couple of years later, you asked me to meet you for coffee before EASing out of the Marines. You confessed that you regretted treating me the way you did and that I was probably the only girl who was ever genuinely nice to you... which is true, except I cheated on you a uh, number of times. Sorry about that. Last I heard, you moved back to Georgia to work on a nursing degree and joined the National Guard.
Dave D. - My first long-term relationship. We were together for two long years, and I was 16 when we met. Sorry for lying about my age. And um, sorry for treating you like shit. And I'm sorry for cheating on you with your boss, Mark. And whoever else I cheated on you with while you were deployed. There were quite a few. I'm sorry, the sex was awful. I'm also sorry for moving out to Florida with you, saying yes when you proposed when I knew I didn't want to marry you, and breaking up with you a week after I went back to LA promising I'd come back. It wasn't working out. But you're a great guy and you're now happily married to a woman who actually pays attention to you. All in all, thanks for the gifts and the PS2. All my best.
Colvert - I'm sure, to this day, you still think about the time you drove four hours to LA from Yuma, Arizona to fuck me only to have me kick you out an hour later to drive back. You were my only Marine harrier pilot, but you were a great friend and one of the coolest, most understanding people I had ever met in my life. I miss you, wherever you are.
Warren - I'm surprised that after five years, we're still in contact. At the very least, you've made every fighting effort to stay in contact with me even after your wife knew who I was. We have a unique relationship, you and I. It's been intense, whether it is long-distance calls from Doha to have five hour telephone chats with me or you sneaking away from the wife or your duties as a Marine comm. officer so I can ride your fucking brains out in the backseat of your Honda. I'll love you always.
Matt N. - A three year long affair till you moved the wife and kids to Washington. The bodybuilding Marine Major I dubbed "Termite," a nickname you've always hated. It's one of my favorite memories, the Orkin man bursting through the hotel room door as you drilled away on top of me, both of us completely sweaty and naked. The Orkin man watched for a few seconds as I scrambled to pull a sheet on top of me. "DUDE, CLOSE THE DOOR!" you shouted with a handful of my hair in your fists. "OH, SORRY, BRO!" the Orkin man apologizing, as he quickly shut the door. We had amazing sex for 2.5 years but then the last time I saw you was the period where I lost my sex drive. You came to Seal Beach on reservist business and I came to visit. I was so unreceptive that you actually asked me, mid-coitus, if I "want the TV remote." I said no and continued to lay there. That was the last time we spoke to each other.
Mark J. - Oh, Mark. I love you and your quirky ways. Dave D. used to work under you till you went off to shore duty and after Dave deployed, we started seeing each other. You and I had more sex in a week than Dave and I had sex in 2 years. I don't think you cared though. I'm glad we're still friends.
Jenkins - Thinking about it now, I should have married you when you asked me. You were a brilliant artist, a talented musician, a respected Navy nurse, an officer and a gentleman, an Iron chef, and so forth. But you were hideous. When you told me you were in love with me, wanted to marry me, you said to me, "We're going to eventually come to a crossroad where we're going to get serious or we're not," I actually thought about how I wouldn't be able to bear spending the rest of my life with someone I couldn't even look at during sex. So I said, "No, we won't be getting serious." I then broke up with you. I'm also sorry about getting drunk a year later and calling you to ask if we could go to Vegas and get married. I was drunk. Seriously. Glad I sobered up quickly because you were in your shoes, ready to drive to Vegas. BUT! You're now happily married to what looks like an aesthetic equal, so good thing we never got hitched, eh?
Rickner - You were quite the complicated puzzle. You were an uncircumcised Jewish liberal serving the Marine Corps as a fighter pilot. You know, dropping bombs on Iraqis. But you were goddamned hot and I adored you to each end of the Earth even though you were one of those "I could totally fall in love with her if she lost weight" types. Despite your superficial propensities, I still let you cry on my shoulder whenever you needed it and I STILL let you blow a huge wad on my face - only because you said you had never done that before. Thanks for the pink eye, asshole.
Klemko - You were living proof of two things: 1) Marine helo pilots are not all they're cracked up to be, and 2) men with huge cocks don't necessarily know how to use them. But I really was almost in love with you and I am really sorry that your co-workers read all the shit I wrote about you. I'm not sorry that I wrote it, I'm just sorry your co-workers had to read it. I know about your current troubles with your most recent ex-girlfriend. If it's any consolation, I sometimes sit here and hope that you'll eventually forgive me and will want to make things work again. Then I remember how awful the sex was and I go back to what I was doing.
Michael B. - We met in 2004. You were in your EMT uniform and I just had gotten finished with a photo shoot. I slipped you my phone number on a napkin in Starbucks and less than 2 hours later, we were having sex in the passenger seat of your convertible BMW at the beach. All you do is talk about yourself. Why am I still friends with you?
Eric - My second long-term relationship and ultimately, you are the love of my 22 year old life. You and I almost got married. We broke up two years ago, but I'm still not sure that I'm ready to talk about you. My life has been pretty screwed up since you've been gone. All things considered, we should have never happened. You have no idea what kind of anguish I felt when I found out you had gotten married less than a year later to someone else. I can't be mad. It was entirely my fault. If there is one thing I could be upset about it’s you using our wedding plans to marry her.
JJ - Another Marine officer, but you're doing contractor work in Baghdad now. You're disgusting. I'm pretty sure you gave me Chlamydia. Seriously. I ended up going out with your best friend's brother-in-law and he re-affirmed what a sack of shit you are... but GODDAMN, ARE YOU FUN TO PARTY WITH. I remember that one time I couldn't come down to Carlsbad to party, so I sent one of my girlfriends to your place to come down and fuck you. What are friends for? I also wanted to say that I am sorry for not telling you that someone else had creamed in my vagina no less than an hour before you went down on me.
Rehwaldt - You were one of the most beautiful and accomplished Marine helo pilots I had ever met. Your smile reminded me of Matthew McConnaughey. At a towering 6'3", 215 pounds, green eyes, and blonde hair (plus that smoking hot body of yours), you fucked like you were in high school. Seriously, what the hell? You pop one off in thirty seconds, and then round two, you can't even get it up! Better eat your Wheaties, boy.
Dex - Hot British guy with a huge penis and horrible, horrible self-esteem. I think you're gay – mostly because you like to cross-dress and take it up the pooper. But I liked our witty banter and waxing intellectual with you at random coffee houses even though you're passive-aggressive and said random shit just to be mean to me. I foresee an Edgar Allan Poe ending in your future.
Jason V. - You're an asshole, yet at the same time very sweet. I'm still pissed about the first time I went home with you and out of nowhere, you pulled the "please be quiet, I've got kids" line. Yeah, remember the look on my face when you told me how many? "Three." Jesus fucking Christ, you left your elementary school-aged kids alone at midnight to hang out with ME. Whatever, they didn't come from my loins.
Jason W. - You came over when Eric was away to Yuma for some kind of training exercise. You were not that attractive, but I liked your husky body. I let you sleep over and in the middle of the night, you woke up to take a shit in the bathroom adjacent to the bedroom. You didn't even wash your hands when you finished. You dirty fuck. That same evening after you left that morning, you called me asking me if I had been tested recently (which scared the Jesus out of me, by the way). As it turned out, your 35 year old ass decided to blab to a good buddy about your recent tryst with a "hot 19 year old Asian." And that good buddy turned out to be Jason V., whom I had slept with a month earlier.
"Yeah, hot 19 year old Asian chick."
"Really? I did the same thing about a month ago."
"Yeah, she had GREAT tits."
"Wow, so did this one. She lives in Cardiff."
"Huh. Interesting. So did the one from a month ago."
"What's her name?"
Way to put two and two together. Thanks for exchanging notes on how to work my vagina and what not to do with it. And thank you for not judging me.
Brian D. - Ugh. Horrible, HORRIBLE stereotypical Marine fighter pilot. Why did I even bother with you? You weren't hot. In fact, you were really ugly, so I am not sure why you walked around like you were God's gift to women. Your penis was crooked, your teeth were too gummy, and you had canines that could rip the flesh off of my back. I hope you crash your Hornet into a skyscraper of AIDS.
Benno B. - I'll never forget you. You were my first Swiss! You were beautiful, beautiful Eurotrash. You were the owner and co-founder of the world's 7th largest bicycle manufacturing company. You were fun, and great to talk to. I'm sad that when you met me, you realized I was trouble and did well to avoid me. Regardless, I enjoyed the sex, even if you do wear tighty-whiteys.
The Animator Guy - I miss you tons. I still think about my visits to Pasadena to come see you on the days I had school. You were my first artsy hipster guy. Only you were able to make me come 19 times in an evening with just your fingers. You let me stay over whenever I wanted and in turn, I did my best to clean your house and it was a happy, fun time. I don't think I need to mention my surprise when I cleaned your bathroom and found multiple bottles of anti-depression medication fall out of the cabinet in front of me. Maybe that's why you were happy most of the time? Anyway, thanks for being cool with me, especially when I started dating The Swiss Guy ("so, how's the SWEDE guy doing?"). Wish you well.
The Swiss Guy - You were my second artsy hipster guy with a hot Ducati Monster. Holy fuck, you were hot and the sex was goddamned AMAZING, minus the time you referred to your cock as your "pee pee" during sex. I really wanted to slap you for that one. But the dirty talk in German was way hot. Never climaxed so hard in my life, especially after being called "kleine hure." Thanks for that. And thanks for making me coffee every morning and introducing me to Da Ali G show. And the way you would set out a towel and toothbrush for me when I wanted to shower? So cute. Anyway, I ended up dumping you because you wouldn't stop talking about how hot your Asian ex-girlfriend is - even post-coital. Like really, shut the hell up.
Snyder - I can't believe I had sex with you. You are such a dork. In fact, my nickname for you behind your back was "Lieutenant Commander Dufus." But hell, you were handsome and the one time we had sex was good. Sorry for kicking you out the morning after. I could have been a little nicer about it.
"What time is it?"
"It's 10:00, there's the door."
"I'm speaking English. ABC, 10:00. D for door, don't let it hit your ass on the way out."
You know what? You STILL called me wanting to go out afterwards. And then a few days after I sent you a text saying "don't call me, I'll call you." What was it? "I guess I should have understood what you meant by 'don't call me.' Good luck." It all worked out for the best; you got married to the girl you met after sleeping with me. BTW, sending me a text message about her "funky smelling crotch" was a laugh riot. Thanks.
Cartwright - You were a Navy SEAL or something... totally hot... Naval Commander by day, DJ by night... never met anyone else in the military who loved New Order as much as I did. The sex was awful. You couldn't hold your kids back to save your life. I don't really feel bad about timing your premature ejaculation in front of you. 1:55 seconds - not bad!
Tim - I wonder if you hadn't met your now-wife, would we have ended up together. We got along great. We had known each other for about five months before we first had sex, and a week later, you met her and had sex with her. Then that following Wednesday, we had sex again. Did you ever tell her I was your last hurrah before dating her? Anyway, little more than a year later, you two got married. I'm not gonna lie: she seems boring as fuck. Not to mention, she's ugly, really, really possessive of you, and jealous. Get some better taste, because I don't picture you two being married for very long. And the next time she tries to pull any sass with me, AGAIN, I'm going to punch her in her beat, white trash face.
The Real Estate Guy - My first Australian. I'll never forget you. We worked in the same building; you owned the office above the one I worked in doing real estate. You were gorgeous, and on too much cocaine. Telling a girl, "Get in the backseat of my car; I've got coke!" is not a tactful pick-up line. The minute we laid eyes on each other, it was ON. Even though you seldom wear your ring, I knew you were married when I first saw you. I didn't care. For three months, we carried on an impassionate affair at work – sex in your office on my breaks when your partner was gone, blowjobs in the handicapped stalls in the communal bathrooms. Hope your wife and daughter are well. Scumbag.
Jason B. - You were such an entirely different saga from the rest of the fuckwits I've slept with and dated that I wrote a four page laundry list of the things you did in our relationship. If it wasn't for me rebounding from Neil, I would have never dated you. You are by far the worst boyfriend I've ever had in my life. You are trash. I never want to see you again. I still can't believe you had the cojones to email me a thinly disguised "let's get back together" letter SEVEN MONTHS after I filed a restraining order against you. The sex was horrible, you were NOT attractive, and you're an idiot! Who goes around saying, "School isn't for me, but in the next year, I will be a millionaire! I will be a famous comedian and actor!" Nice try at attempting to crush my dreams of studying abroad so I won't abandon you. And threatening to commit suicide after a break-up? Man up, pussy.
Bond L. - You were not that attractive. Last I heard, you finally completed your PhD in English from UCI and worked abroad in Germany for a year. I dumped Jason for you and you ended up dumping me a week later. Never want to hear from you again.
Chris C. - We dated for less than a month. You were cute, sweet, athletic, and incredibly nice... AND British! You were also the most boring person I had ever encountered. You were so boring, I fell asleep while you were talking amidst a conversation. You wondered why I stopped taking your calls for a year after that. Hmmm, interesting coincidence.
Border Patrol Guy - To me, you were hot. To everyone else, you were the dorkiest looking guy I had ever dated. The sex was amazing. I loved the way you would "arrest" me BP style. And you broke my heart.
Latin Jake Gyllenhaal - Brilliant USNA graduate and an avid athlete, you were willing to do anything and everything during sex. I'm not really sure I have anything bad to say about you. Except for the time you plowed me in the ass and nearly ripped me in half. I'm still kind of traumatized from that.
The Lithuanian Guy - Hands down, you were one of the hottest guys I had ever hooked up with - 6'6", blonde, blue eyes, and thick Eastern European accent. I picked you up at a techno club / bar in the Gaslamp district and took you back to your hotel room where you penetrated me with your girthy 9.5 inch cock, where no less than 20 feet away, your two friends were in a deep sleep. Too bad you had to go back to Chicago... and too bad you're moving back to Europe in a couple of months. Thank you for that night.
Thometz - I've never wished death upon anyone until I met you. Words alone cannot describe what a piece of shit you are. I tell you to leave me alone and stop contacting me and yet, you continue to try to make your way back into my life. You are one of the most broken people I've ever met and no amount of therapy can ever bring you even the slightest sense of normalcy in your psyche. Who tells someone on a second date, "I beat off to your pictures last night?" And who tells someone on their third date that they lost their virginity to a Mexican hooker in Nogales, Arizona? What the fuck is wrong with you? Then three days after we broke up, you tried to crash in on a DATE I was on! You fucking psycho.
On a better note, I played a prank on you a month after we split. I told you I had tested positive for Chlamydia and you told me you hadn't been with anyone for months before sleeping with me. I told you I cheated on you with two different people and I may have gotten it from them. You then proceeded to go to medical where a corpsman was happy to shove a giant cotton swab in your urethra. I hope it hurt. A week later, you called me saying you tested negative and asked me if I was telling the truth about me cheating on you. What really disturbed me about that whole thing was that you were more concerned about me cheating on you than catching a disease. Yes, I cheated on you. No, I did not contract Chlamydia. You proceeded to call me numerous times for months asking me over and over why I cheated on you. Without going into too much detail, I did well to bash your self-esteem and make sure you never flaunted your shit around town again. I hope you die of AIDS.
The Polish Guy - I'm sad you and I didn't work out. We got along great. After a month of dating, you broke it off with me and threatened to kill yourself. You really need to stay off the drugs. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear you're not happy back in Poland. Hope everything works out.
Tom M. - Ugh. You're on coke and/or ecstasy every weekend and you cheat on your girlfriend for no reason. It would be one thing if you cheated on her because she was a bitch, but she isn't. You are blue collar trash and you will never grow old wisely.
The High School Teacher - You've gotta be one of the hottest guys I have ever hooked up with. Surprisingly, I have nothing bad to say about you. The sex was great (you were one of my top two performers) and you always treated me with respect, minus the times you've blown sticky mansauce on my face.
The Bavarian Guy - Out of everyone I have been with, I have to award you with the Top Performer of the Century award. That's saying a lot considering I've had a decent amount of sex. The High School Teacher is a runner-up, right behind you. You were great to party with. I haven't met anyone else who could pop three consecutive orgasms in an hour and keep going continuously. Unfortunately, all of my friends think you have Down's Syndrome. They say your mother probably drank a lot when you were in-utero because you've got that classic scrunched fetal alcohol syndrome face. But you're very intelligent, so maybe you're one of those idiot savants? I have to be honest: when I first met you in person, the first thought to cross my mind was, "Wow. He looks a little slow." But I still enjoyed fucking you. Wish you well.
Peter Francis - You're a piece of shit, and your girlfriend is a fucking ugly, stupid bitch. It doesn't surprise me that you're STILL cheating on her despite the proof I provided her that you'd do it again. Oh, right. She's too stupid and arrogant to realize that people will actually cheat on her ugly, fat ass.
Cunningham - The biggest cock to ever emerge out of Northern Ireland. You were the one who introduced me to ecstasy. Despite what you may think, you're still a very broken person. Never want to see you again. Unless you're giving me ecstasy.
Clark H. - You're a cute Jewish boy, but like most Jewish boys, I don't think you're really all there in the head. And what's up with your secret tranny porn stash?
Larry P. - Took us 3 years, but we finally slept together. It was great! You live a yuppie lifestyle in a high-rise condo in Downtown SD and work as a stockbroker. You remind me of Patrick Bateman, without the gruesome murders.
Mike M. - You're a loser, but the sex was fantastic. I dreaded sleeping with you, though, because it meant you were sleeping over which annoyed the hell out of me. I wouldn't have minded it so much if you didn't snore like a bear in mud and didn't smell like marijuana. I never want to see you again.
Boat Guy - You are definitely one of the most attractive and physically captivating men I've ever been with. You were going through a pretty rough patch when I first met you and though you disguised it well with smiles, I was able to detect a lot of sadness from you. You drank a lot. I genuinely felt bad for you and your situation. I know it hurts. On a lighter note, that morning after the first time we had sex? Thanks for letting me wake up with bruises and scratches on my tits, half-shaved pubes, and torn vaginal tissue. Sex with you was always great.
Kerby - You were a gorgeous half-Chinese, half-white athletic stud, but your equipment never worked. I don't get it.
Egal - Typical filthy Israeli. When I found out you were married, I posted a bunch of pictures of us (out to dinner and post-coital) on Facebook and tagged you in them so your wife could see it. Needless to say, you're single now. And stop calling me to ask if I'll marry one of your Israeli friends for $7,000 in exchange for permanent residency status, you cheap-ass Jew.
Silberman - You're a sexy Jewish-Canadian triathlete, but you're gay. You've got an MBA in finance, but still choose to continue bartending at a gay bar in Hillcrest. All of your friends are gay. The first thing you said to me when I took my shirt off was, "Your room needs some art work." And that frightened expression on your face when it came time to play with my vagina. I have never, ever in my life seen anyone that scared of vagina. Face it: you are gay.
Stanczak - Brilliant postdoc researcher from Poland, you were very kind and very sweet. I liked that you didn't speak a lick of English. I'm not sure if not having sex in 2 years is excusable for your poor performance though.
Rubanowitz - I guess there's a first for everything. You are the first Orthodox Jewish loser I had ever met in my life. I thought all of you Orthos were destined for great monetary success? By the way, you smelled like a donkey's ass the night I cut you loose. Don't be afraid of soap and water once in a while.
That's it. Those are all of the memorable ones anyway. To be completely honest, I haven't written a good story in a while because I don't do too much dating these days. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to handle all of the drama and chaos that comes with involving another person in your life... or more accurately, I am not sure I am as strong as I used to be. I haven't been much of the same since Eric… and some of the men after him have been a little traumatizing. Maybe someday I'll gather some strength and make a new story out of someone, but whatever – I'm not rushing it.