That's Phucked

My Online Dating Profile

Hey there!
 
My friends tell me I am QUITE the catch.  I am super needy and will base my every happiness on you.  I am unbelievably fantastic in bed... and thousands of men know it.   I will be the best girlfriend ever, but that is only if you spend a LOT of money on me.  BTW, any men that make less than 250K need not apply.

I  have always had a problem with loyalty, but I only cheated on my last boyfriend twice.  Truth is, I will cheat on you and lie to your face, but I will love you to death while I do all of it.  

I expect for you to commit to me within the first five or so dates.  I am not very patient and don't have time for men who won't commit quickly.  Within a year, I will expect a ring but only if it's at least a ½ karat bigger than my bestest girlfriend's ring.  

My match must live in Newport or some other beach community with a VERY high standard of living.  My plan is to move in as soon as I trick you (or at least SOME OTHER guy) into knocking me up.  Your home must be expensive enough for me to host fine parties and also for my fat ass sisters to move into.  It also must be big enough so I can start furnishing your bathroom with "stuff" (but only tampons, feminine douche, and other miscellaneous items)  as soon as possible.

While you are out spending the day hard at work, I will be off getting a massage, manicure, or going through the very difficult process of botox.  When you get home from work, I will never leave you alone or try understand your hard day.  Instead, I will nag you incessantly and then yell and criticize you for not listening to me.   

And yes, you will get to have hobbies and friends, but mainly only mine. I don't think it's appropriate that you have your own life or interests, and you are definitely not allowed to go anywhere without me.  But you will have a GREAT life. Your weekends will be filled with the immeasurable joy of getting to do every single thing I like to do.  These things include (but are not limited too), taking me to Louis Vuitton, Tiffany's, and spending a rainy day together curled up together watching our endless Sex and the City DVD collection.  

I like to look hot, maybe for you,  but mostly for other dudes or any other bitches I encounter in my many many many nights out without you.

I will be a complete bitch to you.  I will be hysterical, erratic, and completely irrational. I will never ever understand your position on things. I am incapable of understanding  logic and don't know what independent means. However, I am very very familiar with the term codependent.  I am super psycho needy, but give you nothing more that what's between my legs in return.   That does remind  me.....I am also a complete slut.  In addition, I am jealous, controlling, and a complete drama queen.

Now you may THINK you don't want a girl like me, but you REALLY do, don'tcha???

I am here!  Cum and get it!!!

Comments (45) -

i hope this was a funny joke cause Bitchs like this belong in the stresses or dead..there nothing more than well *she said it* money grubbing bitch,slut, and everything above

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Will your ego fit im my Rolls Royce?

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:O sounds like my gf

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If you are not an another creation of sick Mr. Phucked's imagination, Felicia, you are the slut from the worst sort. It's better and cheaper to hire some bitch for a night or go to some club to find it much cheaper. She will also not lie and complain. I hope you will not become ill from some genital disease, while you fucks everything around you.

If I were 100 years old, but with big house, car, pocketbook and bank account you will also live with me?

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PauloEifel
Germany PauloEifel

This shit is ridiculous!
Get that ho outta here and give us some phucked up stuff, Mr. Phucked!
I don`t come here to read some spoiled whore`s dating profile!
Cheers

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I'm in love.. I'm a doctor and make 320k A year, Not including a monthly bonus. Have a lamborghini. Rolls Royce. And 2 Bmw's. My house cost near a half a million dollars. And I have no kids.

Oh did i also mention I am a compulsive liar?

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lol she had me with the sex part.. then she goes on saying all of those negative things that all girls do.. specially this part

"I will be a complete bitch to you.  I will be hysterical, erratic, and completely irrational. I will never ever understand your position on things. I am incapable of understanding  logic.  I am very co-dependent.  I am super psycho needy, but give you nothing more that what's between my legs in return.

That does remind  me.....I am also a complete slut.  In addition, I am jealous, controlling, and a complete drama queen."

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shit if she was my girl i keep her ass on the bed fed daily and shoeless and pregnant best way to treat those greedy shiela's Tong

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Yay Felicia and good on all you commenters above who recognized sarcasm.

Good ideas for future pieces from you:
1. photo of 'Toy' collection. (keep the boys happy on a quite day)
2. find that cool instructional video on how to make a woman squirt, (the one with the guy in the white lab coat)
3. video of the guy with the electrodes in his head where they stimulate the pleasure center and he comes.
4. pics and videos of test firing of insane new weapons by dod and their results. new 1 per week. start with Metal Storm, phased plasma rifles, the 5 kw lazer mounted in the C130, battle suits, chinese poison fletchette air gun, weaponized autonomous robots, Hyper charged Americium Bullet etc.
5. we've had biggest penis and biggest breasts, have we had biggest vagina yet? or even smallest penis/ vagina? What about real Hermaphrodites?
6. pics of the strangest place to have sex. (space?)
7. video from inside crashing plane full of people
8. Have we seen a video of someone dying yet? death-rattle? mebe from euthanasia?

On those happy notes.. Hope you go well. ; D

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She forgot to mention just one thing. Contrary to all the other women she seems to be honest. Laughing

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Bitchphister
United States Bitchphister

This rant is pure weaksauce.  What a joke.  What's next, getting some hack female comedian to write that men are pigs because they don't put the toilet seat down? Totally weaksauce.

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Gold digging bitch.

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ughhh phuck is md at his ex i assume

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Semmelrogge
Germany Semmelrogge

What a waste of time...

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A Real Writer
United States A Real Writer

LOL!!! That's it?! This is the brillant new write of this site!!! I can see why most this site is being mainly ran off of all these dating ads. None of you idiots have substance nor the intelligence to write something worth reading.

What i just read from Mr. Phucked's imagainary friend "Felicia" is a personal ad that belongs on e-harmony. Stupid bimbo...that's why we shouldn't hire the ones we fuck.

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wow even if i met all the requirements i wouldnt touch you with 50 foot pole you son of a bitch gold digging fucking douchbag. i dont know if this was a joke or what but if not then felicia go fuck urself and im happy ur not with her anymore mr fucked, cus ur an awesome genius guy, and she is a fucking dumb gold digging slut!

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Useless. She won't make a change in the world.

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And that's really phucked!

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Yunglegend13
Yunglegend13

lol yeah this is a pretty fucked up post Tong

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Turdmuncher
Australia Turdmuncher

No way. If i wanted to hear some female, bitch and moan id go talk to my wife. There are no women on the internets.

If this is going to be a regular thing....

Felicia. Dear. Fuck off.

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I'm definitely gonna need a pic before I commit to any of this shit!

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people! she was being sarcastic!! she was acting like a phucked up girl; practically making fun of them. I hate those types of girls and im glad she put them out there like that. I bet ya would laugh if chris rock or george carlin act like a bitch and said this to make fun of them. Gosh! where is the humor

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Sarcasm or no...its what a typical gir wants/desires or things aboutl. Haha!

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understand that not all girls are like that. i sure aint!

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felicia ypu should poat a pic up of yourself on here

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god i cant type i meant     felicia you should post a pic of yourself on here

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If this is real. I bet you shes gonna hook up with some serial killer thats gonna cut one of her hands off and slice her face to shit and then send her on her way and say he doesnt know her.

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Jack Ennoff
United States Jack Ennoff

I came

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Sounds like a normal girl to me...

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this sounds like every girl in the world atleast shes up front about it....i go out wit her

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this sounds like every girl in the world atleast shes up front about it....ill go out wit her

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Zzzzzz!

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what is this shit? this isn't phucked up. please tell me this website isn't turning into every other website with useless bullshit.

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Im one of the thousand men who had you and i want my two dollars back, oh hell keep it since i stuck it up your ass!

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Men's broken sexuality causes women like this to exist. It's all us guys fault for listening to the media about what kind of woman we should go for - blond, slutty/sexy and essentially ---vapid.

We all ask for this kind of treatment, we deserve the consequences.

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yep, she sounds utterly retarded :-p i feel sorry fr any bloke she ends up with, a real waste of oxygen

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Real or not which i doubt it was i thought it was funny as hell. Thanks for the laugh. needed it!

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i love whores!!!!!!!! i have a girlfreind thats just like her but i dont have to go everywher with her. but shes probally not as hot as you

USA PA

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umm,im gonna say your not my type,you might give me gonasyphaherpalaids (gonorrhea,syphilis,herpes,aids)and i feel like living for lil longer,and you cheat,and when i like somebody that just crushes me,so stay back and if you touch my genitals,you better have 6 gloves and 12 condoms on your hand

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lol jk i bet your not really as you said

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i agree with joe: "Men's broken sexuality causes women like this to exist. It's all us guys fault for listening to the media about what kind of woman we should go for - blond, slutty/sexy and essentially ---vapid.

We all ask for this kind of treatment, we deserve the consequences."

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Oh hey wow, she sounds like my ex girlfriend. Ugh. Stupid Bitch. Though I know this is fake, this sounds exactly like my ex.

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come on seriously wasted my time lol i thought this was going to get good.thats no different to any other women lmao

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We all hate these whores, yes, but what about the men paying them for their behavior? They are just as skanky.

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