... and an excerpt from the script:
PALIN: Who is it?
GRUFF MALE VOICE: It's JOE, the tanning-bed repairman.
(PALIN unlocks the door and opens it)
PALIN: Hiya! You were supposed to be here two hours ago,
JOE: I'm sorry. My snowmobile broke down outside of
Matunska. I had to walk the rest of the way.
PALIN: Well, you're in luck. I just baked a batch of
chocolate-chip cookies. Why don't you come inside and I'll fix you a plate of
(JOE obliges. He takes a seat on the couch. PALIN enters the kitchen and
returns shortly after with the cookies. She gives them to JOE, but not before
looking him up and down.)
PALIN: My oh my. That's quite a toolbelt you have on. It
JOE: I have a big hammer.
PALIN: Oh, I betcha do. I love a big hammer. But I love
screwdrivers, too! And wrenches. The fact is I love and respect all of America's
diverse tools, big and small. They're what helps make us so great as a nation.
Here, let me take that off for ya.
(PALIN takes a seat on the coach beside JOE and starts to undo his belt.
He stops her.)
JOE: Let's go take a look at the tanning bed first.
PALIN: Oooh, okay.
(PALIN leads JOE to the tanning salon in the basement. JOE carefully
inspects the machine.)
JOE: Looks like there are just a bunch of screws loose.
PALIN: (seductively) You're in luck. I fully
support off-shore and on-shore drilling.
(PALIN pounces on JOE and throws him onto the top of the tanning bed. She
quickly rips off his jeans.)
PALIN: God almighty! You are hung like a moose. Now I have
to eat ya!
JOE: I'm bigger than a moose. Do you have any
PALIN: It's okay. I already took a morning-after pill.
JOE: Um, are you sure it works that way?
PALIN: Are you asking me if I know what a morning-after pill
is? Because I totally do! I'll get back to ya with specifics.
(The two proceed to make furious love in a multitude of positions. PALIN
amply demonstrates that she has enough experience.)
PALIN: Fuck me harder! HARDER! Pound me until my head is so
empty that I can't even remember the name of the one Supreme Court case I
actually know! I want it to burn. Burn like a banned book. Oh God, Oh God, OH MY
GOD! MAKE ME SEE RUSSIA FROM HERE!
(After 10 minutes, the two finish.)
PALIN: Wow-eee. I haven't had a ride that good since Todd
took me for a spin on the back of his Yamaha at the Tesoro Iron Dog.
JOE: That was amazing. What now?
PALIN: I feel so alive! Let's grab my gay friend
and go shoot wolves from the safety of a helicopter.