That's Phucked

The Worst Date Ever!

This is an article posted on forum.BodyBuilding.com from a guy named "Malodrax" about his worst date, ever!
This is long, but well worth the read, it's phucken funny!

Alright...I don't care if you guys believe me ... it's real. This is the the most embarassing thing that I've ever experienced... it was a horrible night for me.. and I'm sharing it with you guys because I don't want any of my misc brahs to have to go through this.. especially since it all could have been EASILY prevented. I have added MS paint images so that you have a better idea as to what happened. It's very long, but I'll do my best to recount all of the important details. no ****ing cliffs..... read it to save yourself from something like this...

Anyway...
If you've been following my social anxiety thread you would have learned that I got an asian girls number during my last update (the encounter wasn't recorded unfortunetely because my Camera froze). But anyway, it's been over a week and I was feeling like taking a break from exam studying, and I figured that if I didn't call her before exams were done then I wouldn't get a chance to see her until after the break (which would be too long perhaps). So I called her up and asked her if she wanted to take a break from studying and meet me for coffee. Well she said yes, and we met at a campus cafe. We had some small talk, and it went well overall. After that she said "hey my roomate is making some chinese food for dinner because her boyfriend is over, would you like to come by and try some? she usually makes way more than needed". Now at that point I felt like I had to take a sh!t, but there was no way I could turn down this opportunity; it seemed like she was into me and this would be a great opportunity to get to know each other further. So I decided to try and hold my crap as long as possible (I don't crap in public toilets) and accept her invitation.

Well we went back to her place, had some food (very good btw)... and ****... I had to take take a sh!t really badly... and I also had to take a piss really badly (I had been holding that too since I didn't bring my pee bottles with me to the date)... I really didn't want to use her washroom because I didn't want stink the place up... but it became so unbearable to the point where I could feel the turd popping out of my rectum.. to make matters worse I was actually starting to get an erection (I'm not sure why.. but that's what happened). So I rushed to the washroom... and thus begins the worst possible scenario imagineable.

I pull down my pants step up to the toilet and I am then faced with an ominous predicament; I have to extremely badly take BOTH a pee AND a POO.... AND I have an erection.... what the **** do I do? Which do I do first??

worst date ever with pee, poo and an erection
So I bend over and try to push my erected penis down a bit to pee into the can... but as I relax my pelvic floor muscles to release the urine.. I feel my turd start to come out at the same time!

worst date ever with pee, poo and an erection
So then I'm like "fuk this... I'll just try and hold the pee and let the poo come out"... so I sit on the can... grasp my penis hard to try and "block" it... and I then tried to let the crap come out....that didn't work so well...

As I relaxed my anal sphincters... my pelvic floor muscles relaxed as well and piss started flying all over the floor... I started panicking at this point... so I desperately held my crap again, while I attempted to shove/bend my erect penis into the toilet. Once it was in... I tried take the piss and crap at the same time, but my ass was too far out and this massive turd started flying out missing the bowl, landing partially on the back rim and partially on the floor.

worst date ever with pee, poo and an erection
worst date ever with pee, poo and an erection
I then closed everything off again (you can't imagine the pain of repeatedly blocking yourself from peeing and pooing when you have go so badly)... wtf was I supposed to do? I either pee on her floor or poo on her floor....then out of sheer desperation and instinct an idea popped into my head:

worst date ever with pee, poo and an erection
worst date ever with pee, poo and an erection
I ran into her bathtub and let myself go there... I figured that at least this way I could rinse it all down instead of getting sh!t on her floor....

worst date ever with pee, poo and an erection
At that point things get even worse...

worst date ever with pee, poo and an erection
The turd wouldn't ****ing dissolve... and the damn bish was asking me wtf I'm doing showering in her washroom....

I then answer "yea lol... I'm showering... is that ok?"...

she says: what the hell? why?? you don't think we're having sex do you???

At this point I can't even think straight and I jokingly (retardedly) say: yes we are lol

she then gets mad and says: wtf? is this some kind of joke... get out of there!!

I say: no please don't come in... I'm not done yet...

At this point the hot water I was using to try and dissolve my sh!t was releasing sh!t smelling vapours all over the room.. and it was pretty rancid... the girl could smell it and she said: "why the hell does it smell so ****ing bad? What the hell are you doing in there???"

I say: please don't come in... trust me.. you'll regret it...

she says: **** this... get out now or I'm unlocking the door..

I beg her not too... but she loses her patience and then opens the door. She stops dead in her tracks. There before her was me standing with a pseudo-erect penis, left over fecal residue on my ass,large semi dissolved turds in her bathtub, turds on the floor beside her toilet, and pee all over the floor in front of the can... I was so ****ing embarassed... I started shivering... she looks at me while covering her mouth and nose and whispers... "wtf did you do???"...she was starting to cry... I hesitate for a bit and I try to explain myself "I tried my best ... I... I'm sorry"... She then flips out and tells me to clean up the mess or she's calling the cops. I agree to do it.

She leaves, and I grap some toilet paper... pick up the turds from the floor and bathtub, toss them in the can, and then I proceed to clean off the floor and bathtub with soap, water and alot of tissues. I tossed most of the tissues into her toilet bowl (the garbage was full eventually). I then took some perfume from the counter and tossed into the bathtub to get rid of odour. After I was done I cleaned my ass off and flushed the toilet. To my utmost dismay, my massive fecal matter bulk and the large amount of TP unded up clogging the toilet and it overflowed and started spilling crap all over the floor... I'm literally crying at that point... I look for the plunger but I couldn't find it so I put my pants on and rushed out to ask her if she had a plunger so I could fix the toilet...I see her with her roommate and her roommates bf... she's crying... as soon as she sees me she tells me to gtfo right now... I try to explain that the toilet is clogged... but she doesn't let me ... she says she feels threatened and she wants me out now... she graps a knife from the drawer and tells me to leave... I leave.

about a minute later I hear this loud scream coming from her dorm room (I assumed she went back to the washroom to see it covered in poo water). At that point I sprinted away as fast as possible, while swearing at myself and crying tears of frustration and embarrasment.

-------------------------------------

All of this could have ****ing been prevented if I had just brought my goddamn pee bottles!!! WTF?!?! The FIRST girl that shows interest in me.. I have to go and **** in her bathtub???? This is ****ing retarded (yes mad).

to all you people saying "peeing in bottles is stupid/gross"... well **** that... not only is it more convenient and cleaner, but it also prevents epic disaters like this one....

This is what WOULD have happened if I had my trustee pee bottle... I would have on sat on the can and then simultaneosly peed into the bottle and pooed into the toilet. No disaster... no mess.... and none of this would have happened.

anyway... should I let things cool off for a bit and call her back? maybe to apologize/explain myself? or should i just hope I never run into her again?

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Thanks to Alisdr for submitting this to Mr. Phucked
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Comments (70) -

crack up

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Lol,Man Just hope you never run into her again. O_o

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Washroom? What, are you fucking Canadian? Bathroom dude, bathroom. Funny story, though.

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As funny as this story is, this guy sounds like a giant homo. Way to go, dumbass. Everything this guy did was stupid. This chick he was with sounds like she is the type of feminist that says someone raped her when the person probably just said hi to her. Was this guy like 300 pounds?? Your ass didn't fit on the toilet. I can shit and piss out my erect penis just fine. You have to bend it and not be a fag about it.

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Nice one. Good story and pics funny too.

Um...you couldn't ..just.. like..  push you dic k down between your legs like the rest of us? I would also suggest that pee is by far easier to clean up than shit. Maybe grabbing a handful of toilet paper and peeing into that while sitting would have helped.

Only one thing would have made it better is if you had of slipped and banged your head. Thinking you were dying, roll around groaning and writing your last message to the world on the toilet wall with the only thing at hand - shit. Coming around and wanting to leave quickly,  forget about the poo written will on the wall and sprint half dressed, covered in turd, through the house trying to escape.

The look on her face when she saw it would have been priceless though.

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jakester8807
United States jakester8807

your pathetic homes.

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PHOTOSHOPPED!!

:L

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Would you believe that its taken me almost the better part of an half hour to simply type this from laughing too hard. That was the funniest SHIT ever...!!!

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vinkredibLe
vinkredibLe

no no it wouldve been alright if it wasnt for that erection! He couldve easily bent his penis into the bowl..... ah well. next time just use the public toilets when you have to.

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That was by far the best story in ages..!

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omg best story ever!

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THAT HAS MADE MY NIGHT!!

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i guess he panicked. When you're about to shit and piss yourself, you dont really think. honestly though if he called the chick up and she even let him explain what happened, i think she would kind of tell him to fuck off the moment he told her about his pee bottles lol

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He must have been white, Blacks don't care if they shit up a place, they don't wash their hands or Flush!  Niggers!

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I agree Ellio, they are the fucking scum of the Earth.

If I was this idiot in a situation where I had to piss and shit and I couldn't just bend my cock down into the toilet why not just steer your cock towards the bath? try and aim it down to the drain of the bath and then after your shit is done just turn the shower on a little bit to wash it away.

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I can bend my hard dick into the bowl easily. Takes practice though. I also have to make sure the tip of my dick isn't touching any part of the toilet because then I'd freak out.

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Bananenorgie
Germany Bananenorgie

call her and ask her for another date , she will love it i promise ;)

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going back for the plunger ha ha ha ..... please can i have a plunger ha hah haaaaaaa  fuck man thats funny

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i just dont get it?

he pee's in a bottle?

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so what this guy just walks around with fukin bottles to piss in, could u imagine him just pissin in parks and keepin the bottle of piss, much cleaner then then pissin in mac donalds

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you're an idiot.

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ok number 1. Why the hell do you need a pee bottle and number 2. Don't you f'ing canadians know that you poop and pee at the same time? you tuck your lil johnson and tuck it in the toilet when you sit down. I'm not saying, I'm just saying THIS right here, what I have just said, is the answer.  

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Gauntlets The Fighter
United States Gauntlets The Fighter

Ay Mr Phucked!  U oughtta moderate ur comments!  I swear I h8 havin' 2 read racist and retarded bullshit everytime I come up here!

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Gauntlets The Fighter
United States Gauntlets The Fighter

But on dis story here,... Massive lols.

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bahahaha....classic!!!!!!!

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LOL omg i was literally laughing the entire time whilst reading this. The little pictures are phucking hilarious! this poor retarded dude. lol i cant even begin to comment on this story.. id fill the entire page with one comment. lol this is the best post on here EVER. by far. phucking EPIC! LOL
<3

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You know, this moral of the story is simple. Just use public toilets, fuck the pee bottle, stop being a bitch and just use whats available.

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y people always gotta add comments on here that dont even go with the fuckin post some people like startin stuff cus they got nothin els to do but make people mad get a fuckin life ... ps fuckin funny feel bad for the guy he tried to clean it up the girl was a bitch

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toocuteness225
United States toocuteness225

f'n funny

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hahahahahahahahahahahha
poor poor guy.

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did he die?

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regdhtfzjujrdzterdzt
Czech Republic regdhtfzjujrdzterdzt

I fucking lol'd so hard

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or you could stop being a fucking cunt and oh whats that use the fucking public loo's intead of being a jacked up cunt who thinks he's better than everyone else

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1st of all i think this guy saw the movie "along came polly" then had a bad dream about it because hes a big pussy like ben stiller's character. i mean come on pee bottle? doesnt shit in other toilets but his own? on the other hand the pics were funny and ......wait , all this shit talk is making me wanna take a shit  =/

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LOL! The pics were great, I think he might be exhaggerating by about a foot though... ;)

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whether this was fake or not this was beyond hilarious.

and Elio and "Loser" funny how you guys can bitch about African American behind a computer. you 2 are the biggest scum of earth. deal with it or leave

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This story actually made my night. I have a huge grin on my face. Epic!

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hahaha by FAAAAR the best post on this site lol

and when i was reading all the comments  i see pooq's comment ''did he die?''
hahhahahahahaishjqiwwwefhiuefuiqhcduwghuixwiuehfuiwheuifwhuieduiwe

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dat wuzz phunkin osam.
da pigchers were phunny aswell

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all this could had been prevented you you had just took a shit in the first place you fucking shy germaphobe. So what if it's a public bathroom, when you gotta go, you go!!

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Why did she get a knife and a minute later there was screaming???!?!

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i woulda shat in the toilet and pissed on the floor...bathroom floors are easy to whipe up...it woulda taken him like two minutes...the other thing you coulda done is when she knocked and asked wtf you were doing with the shower on....admit to taking a shit and say that your embarraced to have people hearing you take a shit and you have the water on to hide the noise...at least she would think that your not a scumbag..u jus needed to shit..any ways..i dont buy this story for a second..i know a lot of asians and they are fucking nasty n e ways...also...have you ever watched scat porn??90 percent of it is asian scat...she would be into it...good story though dude...you should be a writer!

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omg, i have my boyfriend for over a year now and he doesnt even FARTS when im arround. Decent or what?  so i'm backing up the girl! i would have throw the guy off my balcony, thats where dirty little boys belong. and a PEE BOTTLE ?? come on, youre a guy... enough tree's that are thirsty.

ok peeps, im going to take a crap.

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EPIC FAIL!

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listen dude, do not even think about contacting the girl because there is no way on this god's earth that she would let you come near her or for that matter let you come near me.  What I don't get is that how on earth did you manage to hold the shit and the piss in for so long?  you should have worked it out ages ago that you were gonna be in for a rough landing.

Well anyways I feel sorry for you that you had to go through something like this but more sorry that the girl had to witness the epic fail.

Peace out.

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ramos_03@hotmail.com
United States ramos_03@hotmail.com

this guy sounds like a winner, girls dont pass him up

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Dumb piece of shit, you were better off shiting in your hand and throwing it and the wall like a monkey. also peeing on the shit covered wall to make a green brownish color and have it drip all on the floor. BITCH

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  I can't believe this, but probably mostly due to the fact that he needs to carry "pee bottles."  WTF???  What, you don't pee in public toilets either.....like germs are going to swim real fast upstream into your cock?
  What kind of bottles are your favorites?  Do you label them with your name?  "Hey, hands off my pee bottle!  I can tell it's mine, because it's a Gatorade with my name in red Marks-a-Lot marker!"
  Pee bottles??!!!??

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&quot;SOBZ&quot; - DeATh InCarNaTE -
Australia "SOBZ" - DeATh InCarNaTE -

tee hee, the story was hilarious xD. sadly i have had somthing like that happen to my self but not like shit and piss everywhere hahaha. im not buying the pee bottle thing ither, like, i piss anywhere xD but this guy must have some issues. and down in australia we call it a dunny or a toilet xD

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British Wanker
United Kingdom British Wanker

hahaha poor fucker, i would have shit in the pee bottle if i had too. Thanks for the post Mr.Phucked now excuse me while i go drink some tea.

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AntonioSlzr
Mexico AntonioSlzr

LMFAO!! haha!! this is great. I'm taking 2 pee bottles everywhere I go...

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awww that sux 4 u lol
u better hope you never see her again! hahaha

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Haha easily the best post on this site.

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STFU Ellio u stupid fucking beaner i think mexicans are the nastiest people

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Richie Rich
United States Richie Rich

This would never have happened if this idiot would simply use a public restroom like the rest of us. Does he think a restroom is any more germ infested than carrying a couple bottles of septic soda?? I am curious as to exactly how he explains carrying around a couple bottles of piss. Since he doesn't use public restrooms does he carry these bottles full of pee around with him everywhere until he gets home to empty them? I imagine that going out with the guys to drink some beers is totally out of the question. He starts out by telling us he is sharing this story so we can "read it to save yourself from something like this...". That's ok pal, I don't think this could ever happen to most of us because we are NORMAL. This guy is a complete FREAKing social reject! I mean really, "pee bottles"???!!!!

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i fucking feel for you man. the best story iv heard for ages. il read it to the lads in the pub. i cant stop laughing and i wish you well for the future.

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Oh my god..Who pisses in a bottle besides HARDCORE WoW nerds? And why does this guy think his dick is so fucking huge he can't fit it in the goddamn toilet and piss and shit at the same time? WHO GETS HARD WHEN THERE'S SHIT COMING OUT OF YOUR ASS? This has got to be the most stupid thing ever..But hilarious, nonetheless. And I'm also wondering why he's even considering calling her back. He would get bitched out right when she picks up the phone. Fucking shit in a public bathroom, jeez. :<

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ChippThaRipper
United States ChippThaRipper

Epic Story i understand not taking a shit in public restrooms i hate doing that but pissing in bottles.Why? Anyway im sorry you had to go though that and that you finally meet a girl that finds intrest in you and you fuck it up badly(Not Dissing)id be mad too dude.PS:I think it was the chinese food it goes right though ya so that makes things alot worse like a disaster waiting to happen.

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OMG that story was really fkn funny...well, anytime you need another date, you sound uber cute;)

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He must have a big penis either that or he had a chubby butt

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haha i have bad date but not like these the worst that has happened to me is i had to take a shit at her house and end up clogging toilets (every girlfriend i have had, has weak water flow to their toilets.) but still this guy is fucked up man up and use a public restroom as long as you wash well nothing bad is going to happen.

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moltenriches
moltenriches

What a fucking cunt all this could've been prevented if you'd have just gone and used a fucking public toilet you muppet

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IDK man ur in a plucked up situration there, I'd say stay away, but at the Same time u might need to explain urself.but it's. Whatever u choose man

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This article is very useful. I have been looking for. thank you.Very good!!

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chibachief
United States chibachief

lmfao what a dumbass!

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Carlashalot
Carlashalot

The reason for your erection was because you are nervous. Often times when this happens the men (or boys) don't even realize that that is the reason for their erection. It could also happen when you are scared. I think it's really interesting how this happens ^.^

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XDXDXDXDXDXD!!! HOLY SHIT LMFAO!!!  Wow, an expedient "tactical retreat" to some bushes well away from the poor girl's house may
have saved him all of that trouble.. oh well.. Great Story BTW!! ^_^

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This is one of the greatest things I've had the privilege of reading. The best part is he thinks carrying a piss bottle is less awkward than shitting in a public restroom. xD Thank you for putting this up.

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snapped posting twice in a row
snapped posting twice in a row

Also, the girl's a total joke and deserved/probably needed some traumatizing. Coffee made it 10x worse.

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I just unlocked iphone 4 04.11.08 from At&t works great but having trouble finding the right carrier for an iphone 4s which came from the states verzison all SimID not working.

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